General Update

Things arnt going too bad at the moment. I generally feel alot more positive.

The easter hilodays are over and im back at college. This means i am back to being able to control and restrict what i eat. Unfortunately this is what i have been doing. But this is only the second day back and tomorrow i am going to try really hard to be strong. Today i have managed to eat more for lunch than i did yesterday and hopefully i can do even better tomorrow. It is still less than i ate before the holidays though, i hope i can bring my self to eat even more than that beacuse that wasnt enough to put on wieght, so i have to.

Its kindof scary because i know i will put weight on this time. I have to. With the nourishment and that. Its going to be a very confusing and distressing day the day that i no longer fit into my tiny jeans. I hope i handle that ok. I think its probably quite a long way away, but im still worried. I havnt had to deal with putting on really any weight and the feelings that come with that yet, i hope its not too bad.

My dad hasnt been very good recently. I have my nose pierced and just started wearing a ring. He absolutely hates it and he said something like: 'it seems to be your aim to disappoint me, you really do disappoint me'. I hate i when he says stuff like that; it really cuts deep. I hope i can get better soon and then he can be proud of me.

Hmm... i said at the start of the post that i feel more positive, and then went on about all negative things :s i really do feel alot better though. I didnt manage to have the nourishment yesterday which is bad but i have already made my mind up that i will have it today. I feel ok about it, i know i just have to get better.

On another note, im liking putting these really cheesy inspirational graphics on my posts, todays i think is particually cheesy!

Sophie x

Inspirational Graphics

Mixed Messages

My family tell me everydayhow ill, skinny, weak and unhealthy I look. I believe them, but often people tell me the opposite which is really confusing.

Someone once asked me if I was a model, beacause i was slim. To me this is a complement and it made me feel happy. I would love to be a model.

A boy once said to me, "your like really really skinny" and i said "thats mean" and he said "no, its a complement, really its a complement"

There are more instances aswell.

When people are telling me different things, what am i supposed to believe? its even more confusing as sometimes i look on the mirror and see a scrawny, disgusting figure, other times i see someone ho looks like they could loose some weight. Infact, for a long time i was convinced the mirrors changed and all mirrors showed different images.

Its so confusing, and hard to know whats real and who to trust. I know i have to get better for health reasons anyway, and the only way i can stop being treated is to get better, regardless of whether i look good or not when i am better.

Sophie x