Turn Around

Recently I got the threat of going to an inpatient clinic turned very real. But. there. is. no. way. i. am. going. The minimum stay is 6 weeks, so i would most likely have to re do the college year. It would literally throw my whole life out of sinc. I have told my mum that if i do go it will be a section beacuse i just cannot allow myself to go willingly.


The good thing about having this threat is that it forced me to admit to everyone that i have always been lying about what i eat, been deceitful and hiding things. That meant that i am always watched when i eat now so i have no choice but to eat it. So the weight is finally going on and i am eating so much more. But the threat remains even though i have turned it around. I still have to go there for a consultation even though i am different now and i do not need to go in. It is frustrating but there is nothing i can do but stick to the meal plan.


Sophie x

Brighton

Today I am going away to stay in Brighton for a few days. I am going to be with a friend and we are staying in their uncles house. None of my family will be there to supervise me. Although my friend is aware of my issues and i dont think would let me eat nothing (i wouldnt anyway) he wont want to think about that make me eat everything on my meal plan.


There is alot of resposibility for me and i really hope i will be able to deal with it and not loose weight. My parents have said that if i do loose weight im not allowed to go to anymore things away. This might include cancelling the festival i am helping out out later which would be a huge shame as i am really looking forward to that.


Hopefully for these few days away i will see what it is like to eat normally in a house where there are no rules about food and when or what one has to eat. Maybe i will learn to better eat intuitively. That would happen if i chose not to follow my eating plan at all i suppose, but i dont know if i should try and do that or not yet. I have packed a can of nourishment for each day so that should help.


Sophie x

Studies

My mum one day sent me an email of a study at King College London that needed volunteers. They needed people with eating disorders and their siblings. I have long wanted research to reveal why people get these disorders or at least more of an idea, so i was pleased to know of a study investigating this and even more pleased that it would be possible for me to help it. 


So i emailed that woman who was running the study and was accepted. My sister and me went to London and gave a saliva sample (for the genetic, biological side) and did an hour long interview (for the environment side). 


They said gathering and processing the results would probably take about a year, which s understandable, but longer than i want to wait! My sister and me were even given £10 each for participating.


They also offered me 2 other studies which i will gladly take part in. There are actually quite alot of studies going on which i think is promising. 


I definitely suggest looking out for studies, you can help research and even earn a little bit of money. And they arnt much trouble. One of the studies im doing is actually a kid of therapy which i am getting for free and it might help me recover. They might be advertised at your eating disorders clinic.


Sophie x

Vegetarianism and Eating Disorders

I have read quite a number of articles and blog posts about this. Many with eating disorders have a vegetarian or vegan diet, no question; but are vegetarians more likely to develop eating disorders, or people with eating disorders more likely to adopt vegetarianism? 


There is no doubt that being vegetarian can be very healthy, and can cut out alot of fat from a persons diet. Red meat can be very fatty especially and vegetables have very few calories and virtually no fat in most cases. Therefore, changing to a vegetarian diet, could aid weightloss if the person also avoids cakes, chocolate, biscuits and cheese etc. This could be a reason for someone with an eating disorder, and desire to loose weight to become vegetarian. 


Also, being vegetarian give a person alot of control over their diet, especially if their family is not. They can decline the meals cooked for them and argue that it is for ethical reasons, this makes it far harder for parents to force fatty meat into the person. This may lead to the vegetarian cooking their own meals which they can control completely, or just them missing out on that component on the meal overall. This is another reason why someone with an eating disorder might decide to become vegetarian.


However, most of the diet meals and foods i see on the shelves at M&S, Boots, Tescos etc, contain chicken, turkey or fish, and many weightloss diets feature alot of lean meats. Therefore, it may be impractical for someone with an eating disorder to choose the go vegetarian as they cannot have the low fat, low calorie meal options (vegetarian meals often have cheese in for the protein part). Although, maybe this gives the vegetarian the excuse not to eat atall.


With regards to vegetarians developing eating disorders, i am one of these. I was born into a vegetarian family who wanted to help animals, it is therefore impossible for me to have made the derision based on weightloss. 


Vegetarians for animal rights purposes already feel strongly about food. If they ate meat, they would feel guilty. And feeling guilty after eating is associated with eating disorders. 


Furthermore, they also pay much more attention often, to what is in their food, how it is prepared etc. (i.e what fat or oil something is cooked in, is it grilled or fried etc.) Therefore, there is always more emphasis on food than for a person with a normal diet. The vegetarian may also have to constantly check packaging of food before they buy or eat it, consequently they are more aware of the contents of what they eat and cannot avoid seeing the nutritional content (i.e calories and fat). If something is high in calories for example, they may put it down, but someone who has not had to check the ingredients, may not even see the statistics on the packaging and therefore not have as much of an awareness about GDA and nutritional requirements and values.


Personally, i know that people do become vegetarian in order to loose weight, and people with eating disorders do this so they can avoid food. But i also think that being vegetarian does place more emphasis and importance on food. I dont blame my anorexia on being vegetarian but i wouldnt rule out the possibility that it has made my knowledge of food more extensive and may have aided my weightloss. It is not a pleasant thought to think that the way my parents have raised me and the ethical and moral decision i made to stay vegetarian has cause such a horrible illness. I would like to think it hasnt. But at least i can be sure that i really did become vegetarian for my families own values. 


Sophie x

Peer Pressure

So yesterday i went to the park with my friends. I bought my usual un adventurous lunch, and my friends got theirs. They also got a big pack of biscuits.

I got offered one and refused many times. I kept getting the sideways head and disapproving look from my friend who had bought them, he constantly was shaking the pack at me too. But i kept just saying no. It was so sunny and the chocolate on the biscuits started to melt. Then, my friend was like, right we are finishing these now! And made us all take one, he said have half too me. So i did! I was completely worn down. So it was kindof a half giving in. I didnt have a whole 1 but i was peer pressured enough to let up a little bit. I had been made to feel so stupid and rude by him as all the others ate them and he kept on making me decline. Eventually i just had to give in.

I did feel a bit guilty afterwards, but i kept reminding myself that i could have had a whole 1 so i hadnt completely lost control. This shows i guess how i still fear losing control and will still refuse to eat normally. But i suppose i did take a tiny step yesterday, and i should be pleased about that. I was completely out of my comfort zone, but had no option but to just deal with it.

Sophie x

A Shape of my Own Review

A Shape of my Own a memoir of anorexia and recovery by Grace Bowman. I actually finished this book a long time ago and only just remembered that i hadnt written a review of it.

I really really liked this book. It is both the story of someone which is compelling, interesting and thought provoking, and a look into the theories of the causes of eating disorders. It looks at quite a large range of theories too. Moreover, there is a notes section in the back with further facts and statistics. 

I found i could identify with Bowman when i read the book, which made it a more interesting and personal read for myself. She talks about going to university even when the people around her thought she shouldnt, which is something that i am going to have to do soon. She also writes about her experience at university, which is useful in making me think what i will have to think about and do when i am there myself.

The book is also quite unique in that it has sections written in different ways; there are a few parts written as plays with stage directions and dialogue. It is dynamic and make it a more varied read.

Also, perhaps most importantly I found the book to be quite inspiring. Bowman recovers and does in in her own way. It made me feel like i really can recover when i put my mind to it and i will be ok to go to university and live independently.

I really would recommend this book. It is thought provoking and also helps gain a slightly bigger understanding on the overall issue of anorexia with the sections on theories.

Sophie x

Repercussions of a Really Bad Day

Ok, sorry for the inconsistency i will get back into the swing of things soon.


The other day, i went on a family trip, i couldnt have my milk but i brought my nourishment with me. 


I wounldnt eat anything new. They wanted me to have a KFC Krushem, i dont eat KFC ever and certainly not a creamy drink. They wanted me to have a cake that i was offered but i didnt, i didnt know the calorie content. They wanted me to have chips at 11:30, thats way to late to eat anything... Those were my excuses. 


The next day at the clinic, i had lost alot of weight and my mum was gutted but said she knew it would be the case. We both cried. When we got outside i said I loved her, she didnt say it back.


Also, the next morning, i ot a text from my dad: "Hi S, dissapointed in your attitude to food we are not your enemy You should be grateful to mum for caring and taking u to appts. eat well today eggs/protein, get strong love Dad x". Now that completely shocked me. I couldnt believe he had sent it. I had driven him to resort to texting what he wanted to say to me.


As you can tell, that day caused alot of pain and emotions for both me and my parents. I know that day alone has made them love me a little less, because i ruined that day witch was supposed to be a fun family outing.


Sophie x

Occupational Therapy

I am now going to more appointments. Its these occupational therapy appointments. I have been to one already and i have my second one today. I dont really know what they are about, the first session was just like an introductory one i think. If not it was just like any other counselling session ive ever been to.. just me talking and spilling all my secrets and inner feelings basically!


I was given 3 form/questionnaire things to fill out too, so the lady will have a pretty clear idea about who i am and what i struggle with in life. I am told it is a very practical therapy. I think this means that i will be set challenges and stuff to do that will make me feel uncomfortable, but will help my self esteem in the long run. I then have to report how i handled these challenging situations. This is only what i think, hopefully later on today, after this second session, i will know for sure.


This is one of the emotional services i am being given. They have finally set one up for me even though i "cannot absorb and cognite what i am being told and therapy will not be affective while i am this weight". I am pleased to have it, as it is supposed to boost my self esteem, and who doesnt want to feel better about themselves? Hopefully it will be useful.


Sophie x

Chantelle Houghton

http://www.metro.co.uk/showbiz/869688-chantelle-houghton-dieting-left-me-unable-to-conceive

Above is a link that my mum directed me to. It is about Big Brother contestant Chantelle Houghton. Shes 27 and she says ‘The doctor told me that I’d never be able to conceive naturally,’ . 


She says it was due to her her extreme dieting, crash dieting and battle with bulimia. She says that she blames herself and  "can never forgive myself."


Luckily she may be able to become pregnant with IVF, but there is no certainty.


She warns ‘Being stick-thin – is it worth that?’ 


This is a stripped down version of the article, its not long to start with so will only take a few minutes to read. 


Its so easy to forget that having a family is more important than control over my eating. But i will try to keep remembering it and hopefully Chantelle Houghton will remind me.


Sophie x

Back!

So, i am back from my course. Back into very little control world.

I actually think i did quite well on my own. I could have eaten a HELL of alot less. I did eat less than i would at home though.

One day i had a subway, which i had no idea of the calories of. I consider that ibit of an achievement, although i did know it wouldnt be alot of calories. I dont know if i have lost any weight yet. My mum is insisting on weighing me this afternoon. I hope it goes ok, im afraid of putting on or loosing weight.. loose loose situation :(

The course was really good. I did a presentation! I think i have had a huge confidence boost. I think my life s back on the rails, i feel really good at the moment.

Sophie x

Illustrated Explanation - Choice

This is a really interesting video. It is mainly about politics, but as it I was watching it i made quite a few comparisons and parallels with eating disorders, and then within the last few minutes they addressed them directly. 


I know much of the video is irrelevant, i found even those bits interesting regardless. I definitely think it is worth watching. I also enjoy the other illustrated videos the channel has done.. They are interesting to look at and explain topics well.


Sophie x  

Independence

This weekend i am going on a course. It means i have to say in a hotel away from home by myself for three days. I am surprised my parents are letting me do this. It means i will have complete control over what i eat.

I am confident that i will try my hardest to eat everything i am supposed to. I hope i can. I am really going to try. I am going to to some food up with me, like nourishment, and there is a Tescos there. The course provide refreshments and snacks but i will probably just eat my own food. 

If i come back and have lost weight, i am not allowed camping with my friends this summer. I really want to do that. My mum also said that she would be very disappointed and upset, so that is another reason. Not to mention that fact that i am trying to recover. 

If my parent can trust me to do this, i have to show them that they were right to trust me. Then they will let me do stuff like this again. Im very happy that they are trusting me now. It might be like it wil be when i go to university and have to get my own food etc. Im really looking forward to this independence!

Its going to be a challenge, but hopefully i will be fine. 

Sophie x

Modelling

Today i met my firend in starbucks for a coffee. A while ago she got scouted and now does some modelling. She is not anorexic, she is slender but she looks healthy and beautiful. She told me about the casting process that she has to go though. All the models have to stand in a line and 1 at a time they are pulled forward and measured in front of everyone to make sure they were not lying on their cards. Everyone in the room knows everone elses measurements after this. They then have to walk infront of everyone else aswell.

It made me think, no wonder these people get messed up! They are made to feel bad if they are bigger than the other models and made to feel humiliated. The clothes they are asked to wear for shoots are also tiny. My friend could not fit into the clothes for a shoot so they had to shoot from an angle where they couldnt see the zip wasnt done up. They tell her to loose weight. Many of them develope eating disorders after being instructed to diet, but after they get an illness, they are no longer wanted by the angency.

Its terrible and my friend has been made to feel bad about herself even though she is amazingly pretty. Im sure so many other girls at these castings have felt the same.

Sophie x

Negative Self Evaluation Explaination

Fairburn et al. did a study in 1999 which found that a high risk factor for bulimia was negative self evaluation. Another study by Button identified low self esteem to be a risk factor for eating disorders. Perfectionism is also a trait with a high risk factor, which would increase and intensify a negative self evaluation. 

Buttons study involved 594 school girls aged 11 to 12, who were evaluated for self esteem.  400 of these girls were followed up when they were 15 to 16 by answering a questionnaire about eating and psychological problems. Those with low self esteem when they were 11 or 12 were more likely to have low self esteem later, they were also more at risk of eating disorders and other problems related to health family and school.

This all seems fairly obvious, but there you are.

Sophie x 

General Update 4

The other day, my boyfriend told me he thought i was putting on weight. Not in a mean way though, because he wants me to put on weight and he said it was good. I was a bit offended though, even though i do know i will look better bigger, i suppose that means i am still not very near complete recovery.

He is very right to have said that though. I have put on quite alot of weight in my opinion. I am now very close to 7 stone. Which feels a bit scary. When i am 7 stone i get driving lessons and a provisional licence though so at least i do have something to look forward to when that time comes.. which is soon.

The little inspirational picture today that i found (below) seems extremely relevant..  

Sophie x

Eating Out

Yesterday was very hard. It was fathers day so we went out for lunch at a pub. It was a Weatherspoons which has its nutritional information on the website. The night before my mum and me looked at the possible things i could have, as i know i would feel alot better if there was a plan. The planning was cut a bit short because i had a friend coming over, but i had decided on a meal that was the right the calories my mum wanted. But pretty much just before we were about to leave she said i think your going to have a bit more than you planned yesterday.

I was very annoyed at this. The whole reason that i had planned is because the time we had eaten out before i get anxious and start crying, then people tell me i have ruined the day. I really didnt want that to happen. But on hearing this i burst into tears.

I eventually did decide on something i could have at the place. I felt a bit better because i knew that my mum and sister had chosen a much higher option. This sounds and i feel incredibly mean for saying that, but it just does make it easier somehow.

One of the biggest hurdles is the fact that i am not allowed a diet drink or water. I am forced to have a calorie one which i really do not want. It is especially hard when my sister gets a calorie free one.

It turned out ok in the end. I had a nice time and didnt feel guilty after the meal. But before hand was just horrible and i got so upset. When my plans get shattered i just freak out. Hopefully this will improve.

Sophie x

Obsessed

I read yesterday, that when the body is starved, it becomes very awake and alert - on the look out for food. It is thought that this is why those with eating disorders become obsessed with food. 

I know it is certainly true of me, i am obsessed with it and think about it often, i used to think about it ALL the time. I remember being in conversations, and then i would switch and start counting the calories i had had today, or making a plan of what i was going to about dinner or something. I would completely loose the thread of the talk. I would loose the plot of the films i watched aswell. Food shows and recipe books also became my favourite pass times. I recently went on my youtube account and made myself un subscribe from about 13 cookery channels. And there are 2 i just couldnt get rid of. Oh and food blogs are another thing.

So food took over my daytime, everyday life. It also took over my sleep. I still dream about food regularly. They are always nightmares. They are mostly about eating or drinking loads of something i thought was safe, and then seeing the label and realising that they are full of calories. Sometimes it is about my anxiety lowering methods being exposed.

Maybe that is what recovery will be to me. Being free from the thoughts of food.

Sophie x

A New and Stupid Theory

A new theory... My dads theory. It has no scientific evidence what so ever, it is a mere thought probably due to prejudice against diet drinks. Frankly, Its ridiculous, but he believes it. 

Yesterday, i dont know how or why but my my dad looked in my bag, which is annoying enough, but then (and i am in bed at this point trying to get to sleep) he starts shouting at me saying about 'why have i a got diet drink in my bag' 'your not in the diet bracket' 'full of chemicals but no calories' and blah. Thing is, i KNOW diet coke is full of chemicals and bad for you etc. so is alcohol and smoking, yet people do it because they like it, and they know that you can get away with doing some things which are not good for you. My dad drinks loads of alcohol practically every night which is probably worse for you then drinking diet drinks from time to time. And as for the no calories thing, as long as it is in addition to my meal plan, whats the problem?

Anyway, my dad's theory. What he said yesterday was that it was the chemicals in those drinks which had screwed up my brain and made me want/think i needed to diet. So there you go.. according to him its artificial sweeteners that cause anorexia!

Sophie x

Changes

I have been in treatment for over 7 months now. I can see so many changes in myself...

The Good:

-My hair is no longer falling out in clumps (just a little bit now). I used to have to drag my hair out of the plug hole during every shower so that it would let the water flow through.

-I am drinking nourishment, this is a drink that when was first suggested to me (before starting treatment) I was absolutely repulsed by. I now drink it everyday so something must have changed mentally.

- Better mood. On the whole i am a much happier person than i used to be (although i suppose this could be due to a few other things) ITHINK i am much more pleasant to be around now as i am less stressy and controlling.

- Less sunken eyes. I never noticed this actually but apparently i used to have very sunken and dark eyes, i am now told i look better.

- Enjoying life more, i feel more comfortable now and less stressed.

The Bad:

- Bigger legs.

- Bloated and full feeling all the time. (i know this will pass with time)

I apologise if that sounded like i was just bragging. Basically, my point is, that with recovery my life is getting better. I am better of now then i was before recovery ad there is more good to come. Therefore, i recommend trying to recover and not just accepting that you have an illness and trying to live with it, which for a while is what i intended to do. I am so glad i got help.

Sophie x

Pressure To Succeed Explaination

Anorexia is perhaps most common in families where the parents professional an middle class. It is also more common in those who go on to higher education. This could suggest a link between the illness and a will and the pressure to succeed and improve. Also, from the pressure to succeed from family, can come depression an other psychological problems (including anorexia) if the pressure is too much. 

This does make sense to me. I think i am in middle class, i am in higher education (college, and intend on going to university) and my mum has always put a hell of alot of pressure on me. The pressure i got was to do well in exams. I know another anorexic whos mother pressured them alot into being 'cool' and social. There does appear to be a link between the two in my eyes. 

It has ling been something my family and me have thought that i have had some depression which manifested itself as an eating disorder and if it hadnt been that, it would be something else like drug abuse. This would support that pressure leads to psychological problems including depression and anorexia.

Sophie x