Peer Pressure

So yesterday i went to the park with my friends. I bought my usual un adventurous lunch, and my friends got theirs. They also got a big pack of biscuits.

I got offered one and refused many times. I kept getting the sideways head and disapproving look from my friend who had bought them, he constantly was shaking the pack at me too. But i kept just saying no. It was so sunny and the chocolate on the biscuits started to melt. Then, my friend was like, right we are finishing these now! And made us all take one, he said have half too me. So i did! I was completely worn down. So it was kindof a half giving in. I didnt have a whole 1 but i was peer pressured enough to let up a little bit. I had been made to feel so stupid and rude by him as all the others ate them and he kept on making me decline. Eventually i just had to give in.

I did feel a bit guilty afterwards, but i kept reminding myself that i could have had a whole 1 so i hadnt completely lost control. This shows i guess how i still fear losing control and will still refuse to eat normally. But i suppose i did take a tiny step yesterday, and i should be pleased about that. I was completely out of my comfort zone, but had no option but to just deal with it.

Sophie x

Modelling

Today i met my firend in starbucks for a coffee. A while ago she got scouted and now does some modelling. She is not anorexic, she is slender but she looks healthy and beautiful. She told me about the casting process that she has to go though. All the models have to stand in a line and 1 at a time they are pulled forward and measured in front of everyone to make sure they were not lying on their cards. Everyone in the room knows everone elses measurements after this. They then have to walk infront of everyone else aswell.

It made me think, no wonder these people get messed up! They are made to feel bad if they are bigger than the other models and made to feel humiliated. The clothes they are asked to wear for shoots are also tiny. My friend could not fit into the clothes for a shoot so they had to shoot from an angle where they couldnt see the zip wasnt done up. They tell her to loose weight. Many of them develope eating disorders after being instructed to diet, but after they get an illness, they are no longer wanted by the angency.

Its terrible and my friend has been made to feel bad about herself even though she is amazingly pretty. Im sure so many other girls at these castings have felt the same.

Sophie x

General Update 3

In a previous post, i wrote about how the cashier at M&S talked to me and questionned me about my weight - in a nice, caring way though. I saw her again today. I gave her a more substantial thing to put though the till. She seemed very happy about this and told me that i looked very well. I did not take offence, there was a time when hearing this would have really upset me. I actually was happy to hear it. I think i really do want to get better now :) yay!

There are still some crazy things i do. I wish i could write about them, but im terrified someone i know might see this blog and be able to connect it to me. But i know now im getting so much better. Im really happy at the moment, i really hope this feeling lasts!

The main reason im happy is probably because i have a boyfriend now, ive never really had one before. I think being happy is making me eat more, but im happy anyway so i dont mind as much.. if that makes sense. I asked him if i would be better bigger (a bit of a cruel question to ask!) and reluctantly he admitted i would be, so yet more motivation.

Im doing exams now, i cant wait for them to be over and i hope they go ok! I may not be able to update as often, but i like writting to this blog so much that i probably will find time some how!

Sophie x

Letter From A Friend

Yesterday, my friend gave me a letter that she had written when she was drunk.
I cried when i read it! Ill show you what it said.

Sophie,

Firstly, i am sorry that i am writing this when i am drunk [something i cant read!], but i find it hard talking when sober :s But i am SO proud of you for even taking the first step to getting better, and really want to help you take the next but you are doing so well. I really admire your strength in trying and doing do hard to get better,and when you feel guilty for eating less than you should (sorry if that sounds bitchy) but i am glad because it shows that you want to get better (and you are string enough to do it) We all WANT to help you, and even if we may not show it, REALLY do! I know it must be hard with family and money troubles but you shouold remember that YOUR health and YOUR happiness should come first! I dont admire anorexic girls at all because of how "strong" you think they are, I admire others because of how TRUELY strong they are, i think skinny <> beautiful, beautiful s knowing you dont have to look like the 5 or 6 supermodels in the world and the strength to enjoy food and not worry what others think! I cannot even begin to imagin all of the hard ships you have faced, or of how hard it has been for you but i really hope it becomes easier! you are seriously i think just about the nicest person that i know and you deserve to know that! I do not doubt for a second that you can and will get better, but it will take strength and time, i know that deep down you know your body is suffering terribly (sorry if this sounds like a bummer) but you are kind and strong andshould rock your body! Of all the things that take importance in my life, my weight and size isnt even in my mind, but you are! We all love you Sophie, just need to learn to love yourself. Sorry i am writing this drunk and sorry it sounds so shit, it is hard to put into words what i want to say/write. You deserve a really good group of friends (and maybe a guy) to show you how great you are (sorry i have not done it in the past) I hope things get alot betterfor you - you definately deserve it! I hope it is less stressful with college and your parents and money and food, and that you learn to love food again (as much as i do! hehe) your such a great friend and i hope that i can be there for you as much as you are for everyone and that it doesnt take a few beers and tears to ask you how your doing again. I hope [name withheld] is not a bad influence wanting to be skinny - it make me so sad knowing you are compromisinf yourself for dangerously thinness, lots and lots of love, luck and strengh, from a drunk [name withheld] xxx sorry for being drunk xxx

Woah, that was alot longer than i thought. I think its really sweet. I wish my friends could talk to me more easily. Is only when their drunk that we ever talk about it! they just dont know what to say to me.  I just really want to reassure them that i AM trying to get better.


Sophie x