Back!

So, i am back from my course. Back into very little control world.

I actually think i did quite well on my own. I could have eaten a HELL of alot less. I did eat less than i would at home though.

One day i had a subway, which i had no idea of the calories of. I consider that ibit of an achievement, although i did know it wouldnt be alot of calories. I dont know if i have lost any weight yet. My mum is insisting on weighing me this afternoon. I hope it goes ok, im afraid of putting on or loosing weight.. loose loose situation :(

The course was really good. I did a presentation! I think i have had a huge confidence boost. I think my life s back on the rails, i feel really good at the moment.

Sophie x

General Update 3

In a previous post, i wrote about how the cashier at M&S talked to me and questionned me about my weight - in a nice, caring way though. I saw her again today. I gave her a more substantial thing to put though the till. She seemed very happy about this and told me that i looked very well. I did not take offence, there was a time when hearing this would have really upset me. I actually was happy to hear it. I think i really do want to get better now :) yay!

There are still some crazy things i do. I wish i could write about them, but im terrified someone i know might see this blog and be able to connect it to me. But i know now im getting so much better. Im really happy at the moment, i really hope this feeling lasts!

The main reason im happy is probably because i have a boyfriend now, ive never really had one before. I think being happy is making me eat more, but im happy anyway so i dont mind as much.. if that makes sense. I asked him if i would be better bigger (a bit of a cruel question to ask!) and reluctantly he admitted i would be, so yet more motivation.

Im doing exams now, i cant wait for them to be over and i hope they go ok! I may not be able to update as often, but i like writting to this blog so much that i probably will find time some how!

Sophie x

Some Good, Bad and Somewhere Inbetween News

Some good news and some bad news, and some which im not sure how to classify!

1. I have put on weight (good/bad, mostly good i think)

2. It has gone to my legs. My legs' circumference is 3mm larger now (bad) why cant it just go to my arms or tummy or bum? I used to have a good bum, now i dont really even have 1 at all. I know it sounds a bit silly, getting wound up about 3mm, but my i hate my legs so much, they still seem big to me so i definately dont want more weight on them. Everyone tells me theyre super skinny, but i can honestly say, i dont see them like that at all, they look giant to me.

3. My dad has gone a 4 day course which means 1 member of the food police is out of the house (good/bad) good because there is less pressure on me and i dont have to listen to his lectures about how im ugly and have ruined myself. Bad beacuse there is less pressure on me and i might not eat as much as i should. I suppose its up to me to not let that happen.

4. My hair has started to grow back. (good) There is new hair gtowth on the top of my head! It looks like i havefrizz but i dont really care, im just happy its growing back because i used to have really thick hair and right now its really thin.

I think ill end it on that good point. I like the inspirational quote i found today, its nice :)

Sophie x

General Update

Things arnt going too bad at the moment. I generally feel alot more positive.

The easter hilodays are over and im back at college. This means i am back to being able to control and restrict what i eat. Unfortunately this is what i have been doing. But this is only the second day back and tomorrow i am going to try really hard to be strong. Today i have managed to eat more for lunch than i did yesterday and hopefully i can do even better tomorrow. It is still less than i ate before the holidays though, i hope i can bring my self to eat even more than that beacuse that wasnt enough to put on wieght, so i have to.

Its kindof scary because i know i will put weight on this time. I have to. With the nourishment and that. Its going to be a very confusing and distressing day the day that i no longer fit into my tiny jeans. I hope i handle that ok. I think its probably quite a long way away, but im still worried. I havnt had to deal with putting on really any weight and the feelings that come with that yet, i hope its not too bad.

My dad hasnt been very good recently. I have my nose pierced and just started wearing a ring. He absolutely hates it and he said something like: 'it seems to be your aim to disappoint me, you really do disappoint me'. I hate i when he says stuff like that; it really cuts deep. I hope i can get better soon and then he can be proud of me.

Hmm... i said at the start of the post that i feel more positive, and then went on about all negative things :s i really do feel alot better though. I didnt manage to have the nourishment yesterday which is bad but i have already made my mind up that i will have it today. I feel ok about it, i know i just have to get better.

On another note, im liking putting these really cheesy inspirational graphics on my posts, todays i think is particually cheesy!

Sophie x

Inspirational Graphics

Contacting Others

The other day, i went on this website


http://www.anorexia-reflections.com/anorexia-blog.html

And i contacted a person on it by email. They said their daughter had anorexia and they wanted to talk to someone. I would usually be too shy to do this but her daughters story sounded so much like my own, i really wanted to contact her and help.

The lady replied and it made me feel really good that i was able to reach out to this person, they asked me for my story and telling someone else was really useful and i found it a huge release.

Basically, contacting this mother who had reached out, i found extremely rewarding and i felt good about myself. I definitely recommend contacting others with these problems, its so nice to discuss things with people going through a similar battle. I think we can help and support each other.

I am always up for talking to others so please dont be shy to email me. I love talking through and about problems as i think this is very important in solving them.

My email is me2d@live.co.uk as i have written in the about me section of this blog.

Sophie x 

Saying Goodbye

Recently I have been finding things really hard. I'm in the Easter holidays from college so basically my parents can know practically exactly what im eating and i have to eat everything on my meal plan. I have no decisions. 

However, today i have been feeling really positive. I have just done what i have been asked to do. And I dont feel that stressed. I think i feel proud of myself rather than ashamed or guilty for eating. Usually i always feel guilty, either guilty for eating or guilty for not eating enough. It Is a strange feeling that i havnt felt before. Maybe i am turning over a new leaf. I feel like i have said that a million times. After my 17th i told everyone that this is it, things are going to change. I made small changes that didnt amount to anything because i still didnt put on weight.

But now for the first time i actually think its time to say goodbye to this think. I think i properly want it to go away now. I hope this feeling lasts. I hope this goes away. I hope this is goodbye fore the last time.

Sophie x