General Update

Things arnt going too bad at the moment. I generally feel alot more positive.

The easter hilodays are over and im back at college. This means i am back to being able to control and restrict what i eat. Unfortunately this is what i have been doing. But this is only the second day back and tomorrow i am going to try really hard to be strong. Today i have managed to eat more for lunch than i did yesterday and hopefully i can do even better tomorrow. It is still less than i ate before the holidays though, i hope i can bring my self to eat even more than that beacuse that wasnt enough to put on wieght, so i have to.

Its kindof scary because i know i will put weight on this time. I have to. With the nourishment and that. Its going to be a very confusing and distressing day the day that i no longer fit into my tiny jeans. I hope i handle that ok. I think its probably quite a long way away, but im still worried. I havnt had to deal with putting on really any weight and the feelings that come with that yet, i hope its not too bad.

My dad hasnt been very good recently. I have my nose pierced and just started wearing a ring. He absolutely hates it and he said something like: 'it seems to be your aim to disappoint me, you really do disappoint me'. I hate i when he says stuff like that; it really cuts deep. I hope i can get better soon and then he can be proud of me.

Hmm... i said at the start of the post that i feel more positive, and then went on about all negative things :s i really do feel alot better though. I didnt manage to have the nourishment yesterday which is bad but i have already made my mind up that i will have it today. I feel ok about it, i know i just have to get better.

On another note, im liking putting these really cheesy inspirational graphics on my posts, todays i think is particually cheesy!

Sophie x

Inspirational Graphics

Strangers

Its really hot out today, im wearing shorts and a T-shirt! (with tights though). But it was a mistake. On the way to college i noticed loads of people looking at me. I hate it. It happens quite alot, in the morning i think, im going to show that i dont care that im too skinny and i can look fine and normal, so i dress in something that shows how skinny i am. Then i always regret it.

I was in Marks and Spensers buying part of my lunch this morning. Instead of going to the chash desk i usually go to, i decided to go to a different one. The woman at the counter said "well thats not going to make you fat, you should get more" so i said that i had other stuff (which is true). It didnt end there though, she said "so how come your so thin? are you just naturallyskinny?" i didnt really know what to say so i just replied truthfully; i said "im actually in recovery at the moment" she then asked how old i was - 17. But then she told me she was ill when she was 17 and she said that "I shouldnt do what anyone tells me to do, do what you want to do in your own time" I dont know if this was good advice. But i suppose she must know, she diffinately wasnt still anorexic. I know that the only way to get better is go to a clinic where they force you or you have to want it yourself, so she was right, but i have to do what im told otherwise i just wouldnt do it.

Its not the first time someones talked to me in a shop. For example, a man once saw me looking at chocolate (i just wanted to look at the wrappers) and i put it down and he said "you ought to have that, put some weight on".

Strange how people feel they need to say something, its quite nice to think that strangers actually care, i think it says something quite good about the human race.

Sophie x