Brighton

Today I am going away to stay in Brighton for a few days. I am going to be with a friend and we are staying in their uncles house. None of my family will be there to supervise me. Although my friend is aware of my issues and i dont think would let me eat nothing (i wouldnt anyway) he wont want to think about that make me eat everything on my meal plan.


There is alot of resposibility for me and i really hope i will be able to deal with it and not loose weight. My parents have said that if i do loose weight im not allowed to go to anymore things away. This might include cancelling the festival i am helping out out later which would be a huge shame as i am really looking forward to that.


Hopefully for these few days away i will see what it is like to eat normally in a house where there are no rules about food and when or what one has to eat. Maybe i will learn to better eat intuitively. That would happen if i chose not to follow my eating plan at all i suppose, but i dont know if i should try and do that or not yet. I have packed a can of nourishment for each day so that should help.


Sophie x

Studies

My mum one day sent me an email of a study at King College London that needed volunteers. They needed people with eating disorders and their siblings. I have long wanted research to reveal why people get these disorders or at least more of an idea, so i was pleased to know of a study investigating this and even more pleased that it would be possible for me to help it. 


So i emailed that woman who was running the study and was accepted. My sister and me went to London and gave a saliva sample (for the genetic, biological side) and did an hour long interview (for the environment side). 


They said gathering and processing the results would probably take about a year, which s understandable, but longer than i want to wait! My sister and me were even given £10 each for participating.


They also offered me 2 other studies which i will gladly take part in. There are actually quite alot of studies going on which i think is promising. 


I definitely suggest looking out for studies, you can help research and even earn a little bit of money. And they arnt much trouble. One of the studies im doing is actually a kid of therapy which i am getting for free and it might help me recover. They might be advertised at your eating disorders clinic.


Sophie x

A Shape of my Own Review

A Shape of my Own a memoir of anorexia and recovery by Grace Bowman. I actually finished this book a long time ago and only just remembered that i hadnt written a review of it.

I really really liked this book. It is both the story of someone which is compelling, interesting and thought provoking, and a look into the theories of the causes of eating disorders. It looks at quite a large range of theories too. Moreover, there is a notes section in the back with further facts and statistics. 

I found i could identify with Bowman when i read the book, which made it a more interesting and personal read for myself. She talks about going to university even when the people around her thought she shouldnt, which is something that i am going to have to do soon. She also writes about her experience at university, which is useful in making me think what i will have to think about and do when i am there myself.

The book is also quite unique in that it has sections written in different ways; there are a few parts written as plays with stage directions and dialogue. It is dynamic and make it a more varied read.

Also, perhaps most importantly I found the book to be quite inspiring. Bowman recovers and does in in her own way. It made me feel like i really can recover when i put my mind to it and i will be ok to go to university and live independently.

I really would recommend this book. It is thought provoking and also helps gain a slightly bigger understanding on the overall issue of anorexia with the sections on theories.

Sophie x

Independence

This weekend i am going on a course. It means i have to say in a hotel away from home by myself for three days. I am surprised my parents are letting me do this. It means i will have complete control over what i eat.

I am confident that i will try my hardest to eat everything i am supposed to. I hope i can. I am really going to try. I am going to to some food up with me, like nourishment, and there is a Tescos there. The course provide refreshments and snacks but i will probably just eat my own food. 

If i come back and have lost weight, i am not allowed camping with my friends this summer. I really want to do that. My mum also said that she would be very disappointed and upset, so that is another reason. Not to mention that fact that i am trying to recover. 

If my parent can trust me to do this, i have to show them that they were right to trust me. Then they will let me do stuff like this again. Im very happy that they are trusting me now. It might be like it wil be when i go to university and have to get my own food etc. Im really looking forward to this independence!

Its going to be a challenge, but hopefully i will be fine. 

Sophie x

Changes

I have been in treatment for over 7 months now. I can see so many changes in myself...

The Good:

-My hair is no longer falling out in clumps (just a little bit now). I used to have to drag my hair out of the plug hole during every shower so that it would let the water flow through.

-I am drinking nourishment, this is a drink that when was first suggested to me (before starting treatment) I was absolutely repulsed by. I now drink it everyday so something must have changed mentally.

- Better mood. On the whole i am a much happier person than i used to be (although i suppose this could be due to a few other things) ITHINK i am much more pleasant to be around now as i am less stressy and controlling.

- Less sunken eyes. I never noticed this actually but apparently i used to have very sunken and dark eyes, i am now told i look better.

- Enjoying life more, i feel more comfortable now and less stressed.

The Bad:

- Bigger legs.

- Bloated and full feeling all the time. (i know this will pass with time)

I apologise if that sounded like i was just bragging. Basically, my point is, that with recovery my life is getting better. I am better of now then i was before recovery ad there is more good to come. Therefore, i recommend trying to recover and not just accepting that you have an illness and trying to live with it, which for a while is what i intended to do. I am so glad i got help.

Sophie x

Review

So yesterday it was my review. I was really worried about it but it turned out fine.


I had put on weight and i was relieved, but i weigh quite alot now i think. I get confused though cause i work in stones and pounds and they do kg and weight for height. I think i get this weight for height thing a bit more now. Its like a proportion i think. But anyway, im now 75% . When i am 85% i get an ovary scan.. yay! Although i did drink alot of water before i went in, its was the only way i could keep my anxiety levels lower but i should have just rode them out i suppose, then i would have had a more accurate weighing. I do this before almost all weighings though so i suppose the increase is fairly accurate.


In the summer they are starting  group for people my age to talk to each other about things that are bothering us and teen issues etc. They want me to go and i want to go, i think it will be nice to talk about personal things to people who can understand a bit more than my friends can. Also hopefully i can make some more friends. They also want to give me therapy to increase confidence. This will be earlier than the summer she thought. At first i was hesitant about this, i wasnt sure that i needed it now, but she (my head worker) and my mum seemed to think it was an excellent idea. Ill just go with the flow on this one, maybe it would be cool to be more confident.


Sophie x

Priorities and Normality

I have my review today. Hell, im really nervous, i really dont want to go.

The thing which i have found at all my appointments is that I am scared to put on weight, but i am also scared of not putting on weight. These fears are amplified many times when its an actual review with the head worker. 

I really dont want to disappoint my family, i dont want to be taken out of college, i dont want to be an in patient, i want to be healthy, i want to have children, i want to drive a car, i want to go to university... the list goes on and all these things i need to put on weight for. But despite all these reasons, instead of feeling happy when i step on the scales and see an increase because i am closer to being able to do all these things, i feel terrified and weak. I feel like i let myself put on weight therefore i am weak. How can the need for this disorder match (or even overtake) my priorities for all these really important things?! 

So i fear putting on weight and not putting on weight. I could see it as a win win situation, if i put on weight, i am am closer to everything i listed, if i dont put on weight my anorexia wins and my anxiety can remain a little lowered. Except its not a win win situation in my mind, its a lose lose. Whatever the result i will be unhappy, not happy. I just want to be normal now, why cant i just be normal?!

I ate an extra borbon biscuit yesterday because my parent wanted me to, i didnt even like it but there was nothing else to eat and they really wanted me to have something extra. The guilt i felt afterwards was very powerful and i had to go to bed because i couldnt sit down and watch the film we were going to watch after. I think that when i can eat something extra without feeling guilty, will be the day i have recovered. Then i will be normal.

Sophie x

Changing Your Life

I found this video really quite useful. It talks about how to get over the obsicles that prevent you from changing your life. Basically, how to saty motivated to change. It goes through what the obsicles are and then some tools and methods to combat them. Most of it is fairly obvious but it is good to be reminded.

Obviously I, and many others have to switch what she says around from loosing weight to putting on weight! I havnt put this video on here to help me or other anorexics loose weight! So switch it around!

Just remember that you really can change your life. I am going to change mine, I have come along way and I will reach normality. I hope this video does help people to stay focused and achieve their goals.

Sophie x

Responsibility

Yesterday, my parents and sister went to see my grandparents. I didnt go because i had too much revision to do for my A level exams next week. They let me stay home my myself and ii had complete responsibility over what i ate.

I did quite well i think. I ate way more than i would have let myself eat when home alone in the past.  

It feels good that i can be trusted with this. And it feels good to have some independence and responsibility over eating again.

However, i do wonder what motivated my family to allow this. I think they wanted a break from the responsibility. They thought 'we can have a break and let go just for one day' and they persuaded themselves that they could trust me because they wanted to. It does make me sad they im sure they enjoy family trips without me. They are so much less stressful for them. They went out to lunch and made and ate a cake, these would both be awkward and tense activities if i was there. While i am happy to give them some pleasure with my absence, i am upset that me not being there is better for them. Once i was told this.

Swings and roundabouts i suppose.

Sophie x

Nourishment

I just want to take a moment to advertise these drinks.
At the beginning of my disoder, my dad repeatedly tried to get me to drink them, but i found them the most repulsive things, not because of their taste (although that does get a bit of getting used to) but because they are high in calories and they are liquid calories.

I am still a bit funny about liquid calories. I would NEVER drink non-diet soft drinks for example and i dont really like drinking juice either. But these are a bit different. They arent a waste of calories because they give you so much! As a vegeterian who doesnt like eating cheese or nuts, i find it a little diffiicult to get protein, these drinks contain loads of it. They also contain loads of vitamins and minerals, and 100% of the RDA of most of them.

1 can is a bit much. I suggest drinking half a can a day. They are quite sickly and filling so drinking a whole can in one go might be difficult both physically and mentally.

The reason why i suggest drinking it, is that a big fear of mine is not being able to stop once i am an acceptable weight and getting fat. I know this is a fear for many people with eating disorders, yet they know they do need to get better. I dont hate drinking these, but i dont particuarly like it and i wouldnt ever miss it. Therefore, i can be sure that i can cut this out of my diet as soon as i need to and be able to maintain a suitable weight.

I know quite a few people who use 'build up' and my nutritionist mentioned this to be. But i like how the nourishment is already all weighed up and i can just measure out half the can and know exactly whats in it. Not to mention the fact that its more conventient and less hastle!

They come in 6 flavours. I personally recommend vanilla and chocolate, but there is also strawberry, banana, raspberry and cherry. I havnt tried the last three because i hate bananas and they dont sell the other 2 in any shops near me :(

Here is the website for them which has all the nutritional info, ordering facility and more stuff like peoples stories. http://www.nurishment.co.uk/

Sophie x

 

Songs 3

An encouraging recovery song. Its not my kind of music, but the lyrics are motivational and lots of people have found this song helpful :)

Sophie x

Good Girls Do Swallow Review

Good Girls Do Swallow by Rachael Oaks-Ash

This book was very funny and i did enjoy it. When it says darkly comic on the front, its the truth. Most of the jokes are about how rediculous and shocking the things she has done or what others have done with exaggeration. Although it wasnt a diary, it reminded me of the Georgia Nickleson books (Angus, Thongs and full frontal snogging etc.). Its that kind of humour.

Obviously, there is a serious message behind the humour. It is the story of someone who had struggled with eating disorders all their life until now. The book includes her recovery and details the thought processes behid her recovery. So it is quite inspiring to read.

However, the book is more about her adult life than teen years. I think only the very beginning is about her teen life which at the moment, being only a teen myself, is the only part i can properly relate to as i have not experienced adult life yet. This would not be an issue for adult readers oviously. Also, even though the author had suffered from anorexia, i felt more of the book was based around bulimia and even though i did have that, i could have identified more with anorexic writings. Again this wouldnt be an issue for alot of people who do suffer from bulimia.

Even not being able to relate on every level of the book, that is not nessassary to take an important message and enjoy reading the book. I do recomend it to anyone with an eating disorder but in particular those with bulimia or a binge subtype.

Sophie x

The Assessment Process

This is back to that leaflet i talked about before. There are 5 stages of the assessment process which happens once you are refered to a clinic.

1. Pre-assessment Questionnaires
This is a questionnaire which i was sent in the post before the initial meeting. The questions on mine where mostly rating scales and they focused on mood, self-esteem and eating habbits.

2. Pre-assessment Baseline Physical Investigations,
Your GP is sent a letter requesting tests and these are carried out. The tests include blood tests and a ECG.

3. Assessment meeting
The whole family are invited to this. I remember me, my mum and my sister came. They were addressed quite alot and asked for input so i recommend that other family members do attend. A team is usually at the meeting, they often constist of a doctor/psychiatrist, nurse and a theropist. I had a psychiatrist, my key worker and a family worker. The meeting can take a whole morning, they say that a thoughrough understanding is very important. I was also weight and my hight and blood pressure taken at this meeting.

4. EDE
This is a semi structured interview. EDE stands for Eating Disorder Examination and it identifies which eating disorder the person has, it also provides more information about the nature of the disorder. The questions are mainly open questions allowing the person to explain themselves if they feel they need to. I know i felt the need to justify alot of the crazy seeming things i was saying! The interview was just me and a nurse alone, as far as i know family is never present.

5. Care Plan
This happens at the end of the initial meeting. The team and family put together a care plan to target the main and most urgent issues inparticular aswell as any other not so important ones.

I hope this helps some people prepare for this process. I would have like to have been able to prepare and know what i was going to be asked to do etc. before hand so there was no surprises. I hope i have been able to do this for someone!

Sophie x

Statistics

I thought it would be interesting to look up the statistics on eating disorders. So, here are the most interesting that i found:


1.At least 1.1 million people in the UK are affected by an eating disorder, with young people in the age-group 14-25 being most at risk of developing this type of illness.

2.As many as one woman in 20 will have eating habits which give cause for concern; most will be aged 14 to 25 years old. (source: Mind)

3.More than 90 percent of those who have eating disorders are women between the ages of 12 and 25. (source: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration)

4.An estimated 19 to 30 percent of college females are diagnosed with an eating disorder.

5.Between 1 and 5 percent of adolescent women meet the criteria for an eating disorder diagnosis.

6.Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) develop in 4 to 6 percent of the general population.

7.Fifty percent of individuals who present for treatment of an eating disorder receive the diagnosis of EDNOS. (source: Eating disorders, the journal of treatment and prevention)

8.Nearly half of people with eating disorders meet the criteria for depression.

9.Only 10 percent of men and women with eating disorders obtain treatment.

10.Just 35 percent of people with eating disorders that receive treatment do so from a specialist eating disorder treatment centre.

11.Roughly 80 percent of females who receive treatment for their eating disorder do not get the intensity of treatment needed in order to stay in recovery. (source: The Renfew centre foundation)



These are UK statistics, for US go to: http://www.disordered-eating.co.uk/eating-disorders-statistics/eating-disorders-statistics-us.html 


Sophie x

Inspirational Graphics

Treatment Plan

So, as i said in the last post, this is the treatment plan of the plan i am on. Comments in { }

Initial treatment phase (first 6 weeks) {this is very optimistic, i am not out of this phase am i have been on the plan for well over 6 weeks}

1. Weight management and meal plan
2. Parents Psycho-education group
3. Engagement of young person.

And at week 7, a family review will be done and a plan for further treatment established.

Phase 2 - Continues treatment options (from week 8) will be tailored to the individual needs of the young person and may include the following:

1. Multi-family group treatment
2. Therapeutic group program
3. Individual therapies.

{Even though me and all my family feel i need some of this treatment (i.e. mental help) they will not let me have any because they say i will 'not be able to cognite it' or something because i am not heavy enough, my mum has repeatedly asked them but they refuse}

Review Meetings (3 monthly)

Held every 3 months with the consultant psychiatrist, the family and other team members. This is so the family and young person can review and look back on their progress. Then determine if further physical assessments are needed e.g. ovarian ultrasounds, bone density etc. The review will also decide if any psychological treatments should be taken up.

Discharge Planning

{the leaflet says} Most people recover, but some need continued treatment, which may be hospital or transfer to an Adult Mental Health Clinic {no way, when im an adult im going to make my own decisions and get out of this treatment, i think i can look after myself now}. They work jointly with these services.

I hope thats clear enough.

Sophie x

Inspirational Graphics

Would-Have-Been Useful Leaflet

The time before last that i went to the clinic, they gave me an information leaflet. It was supposed to be given to me when i first started the treatment. I would have been very useful then! It talks about the team im working with, the different treatment phases, the assessment process, their philosophy etc. This would have been really helpful for me, especially the phases of treatment part because i was always so scared of what they were going to make me do, if i had had this i would have been much better prepared. Just before i began treatment, i looked up what it would include, but i couldnt find the information anywhere, maybe i was just looking in the wrong places, but in probably the next post i will detail the treatment plan of the plan i am on. 

Sophie x

Inspirational Graphics

Strangers Type 2

In a previous post, i wrote about how strangers were nice, and seemed to care and feel the need to encourage. Strangers also react i the opposite way though, and little kids seem to be the least discrete about their disgust for the way i look.


The day before yesterday i as in the supermarket getting something out of the freezer, i heard a little girls voice say 'look how skinny that girl is' in a loud but whispered voice. I turn out of the freezer and begin to walk away, i look behind to see who said it and there are 2 girls still staring at me walk away, and they dont look away even now.


Ive had many instances where ive been out and noticed people staring or even sneering. It really does dent my confidence and self esteem. I suppose it is also a motivation. Its just that i find it so hurtful. I cant and never have been one of those people who dont care what others think.


Sophie x

Inspirational Graphics

Nourishment & Food Plan Strategy

I did something a bit crazy a few days ago. As you can see from the "My Stats" post, the last time i when to the clinic i had lost a little bit of weight. My dad can with me this time, and he was very disappointed, my mum was too when we told her. The strange thing is, i think i was too. I think i wanted to put weight on! Well, either that or i really didnt want to let my parents down which is probably the more viable option, but if the will not to let my parents down was stronger than the will to not put on weight then thats good!


The crazy thing i did was agree to drink half a can of nourishment drink a day. Its a kindof milky drink with loads of vitamins and protein added. Its because my mum was like, 'Sophie, i think you need to make a big change'. So i mentioned i could probably do that and then there was no going back! she bought some that same day. I do drink it, it feels healthy because its got all those vitamins and protein (which is more difficult for vegetarians who dont like eating cheese or nuts to get). I think that when you add something to your food plan, it should be healthy because even if you dont feel like putting on weight is healthy for you, if it is healthy in another way you may feel better and less guilty about eating it. Or thats what i find anyway. Its like when they asked me to have butter at breakfast on my toast (one part of my breakfast), i think butter is unhealthy (there is a stigma attached to butter, in my mind although some people see it as healthy) so i stopped having toast for breakfast i have biscuits instead.


I do think its strange that the eating plan i got given at the clinic has never worked, (well, worked a little bit but really not very much) but i bet after my choice to add this drink i will put on weight. It makes me think they dont know what theyre talking about. Last week they told me to replace a cereal bar in the morning with a pot of Muller rice pudding, i clarified the size and everything and my dad bought some. It is the same amount of calories as a cereal bar so whats the point? i get frigging loads of dairy any way! and all of the rice puddings had 'low fat' written on them! She also said that because i am vegetarian i get no protein... whattt? So i told her there were nuts, seeds, vegetarian meat alternatives, eggs, cheese etc. Oh well, im booked in to see a nutritionist next month so she should know what shes talking about!


Sophie x     

Inspirational Graphics

The "Last To Go" Symptoms

I found this article yestarday

http://www.nourishing-the-soul.com/2011/01/disordered-eating-signs/

I thought it was quite interesting, is contains a list of 35 symptoms that are the last to go in recovery. So if your overcoming alot of them, your close to the end i suppose!

I havnt actually beaten any of them yet but some of them i never did in the first place. Some of them i cant imagin ever not doing though. Like using food as a reward, only eating at certain times and eating the smae meals daily with out variation. The things like these i just cannot imagine living without doing. So i suppose when i do stop doing them, i know im better!

I might even print this list. I think it will be good to have some aims to improve well being not just putting on weight which is what everyone at the clinic just wants me to do.

Sophie x

My Stats

I thought it was about time a showed what i weigh etc. This is what they print out for me at the clinic (although you can see that they didnt print it the last 3 times).

I REALLY hated this system at first, now im a bit more used to it. I thought they were trying to trick me and keep me in the dark because they kept going on about this weight for hight thing that i didnt and still dont properly understand. It still annoys me beacuse i dont know how to set targets etc. and i cant tell how big i will be when i get to say 80. I dont know if all clinics use wright for height but i cant seem to find much information explaining it on the internet which is very fustrating!

Sophie x