Priorities and Normality

I have my review today. Hell, im really nervous, i really dont want to go.

The thing which i have found at all my appointments is that I am scared to put on weight, but i am also scared of not putting on weight. These fears are amplified many times when its an actual review with the head worker. 

I really dont want to disappoint my family, i dont want to be taken out of college, i dont want to be an in patient, i want to be healthy, i want to have children, i want to drive a car, i want to go to university... the list goes on and all these things i need to put on weight for. But despite all these reasons, instead of feeling happy when i step on the scales and see an increase because i am closer to being able to do all these things, i feel terrified and weak. I feel like i let myself put on weight therefore i am weak. How can the need for this disorder match (or even overtake) my priorities for all these really important things?! 

So i fear putting on weight and not putting on weight. I could see it as a win win situation, if i put on weight, i am am closer to everything i listed, if i dont put on weight my anorexia wins and my anxiety can remain a little lowered. Except its not a win win situation in my mind, its a lose lose. Whatever the result i will be unhappy, not happy. I just want to be normal now, why cant i just be normal?!

I ate an extra borbon biscuit yesterday because my parent wanted me to, i didnt even like it but there was nothing else to eat and they really wanted me to have something extra. The guilt i felt afterwards was very powerful and i had to go to bed because i couldnt sit down and watch the film we were going to watch after. I think that when i can eat something extra without feeling guilty, will be the day i have recovered. Then i will be normal.

Sophie x