Recently I got the threat of going to an inpatient clinic turned very real. But. there. is. no. way. i. am. going. The minimum stay is 6 weeks, so i would most likely have to re do the college year. It would literally throw my whole life out of sinc. I have told my mum that if i do go it will be a section beacuse i just cannot allow myself to go willingly.
The good thing about having this threat is that it forced me to admit to everyone that i have always been lying about what i eat, been deceitful and hiding things. That meant that i am always watched when i eat now so i have no choice but to eat it. So the weight is finally going on and i am eating so much more. But the threat remains even though i have turned it around. I still have to go there for a consultation even though i am different now and i do not need to go in. It is frustrating but there is nothing i can do but stick to the meal plan.
Sophie x
Thursday, 8 September 2011
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
Brighton
Today I am going away to stay in Brighton for a few days. I am going to be with a friend and we are staying in their uncles house. None of my family will be there to supervise me. Although my friend is aware of my issues and i dont think would let me eat nothing (i wouldnt anyway) he wont want to think about that make me eat everything on my meal plan.
There is alot of resposibility for me and i really hope i will be able to deal with it and not loose weight. My parents have said that if i do loose weight im not allowed to go to anymore things away. This might include cancelling the festival i am helping out out later which would be a huge shame as i am really looking forward to that.
Hopefully for these few days away i will see what it is like to eat normally in a house where there are no rules about food and when or what one has to eat. Maybe i will learn to better eat intuitively. That would happen if i chose not to follow my eating plan at all i suppose, but i dont know if i should try and do that or not yet. I have packed a can of nourishment for each day so that should help.
Sophie x
There is alot of resposibility for me and i really hope i will be able to deal with it and not loose weight. My parents have said that if i do loose weight im not allowed to go to anymore things away. This might include cancelling the festival i am helping out out later which would be a huge shame as i am really looking forward to that.
Hopefully for these few days away i will see what it is like to eat normally in a house where there are no rules about food and when or what one has to eat. Maybe i will learn to better eat intuitively. That would happen if i chose not to follow my eating plan at all i suppose, but i dont know if i should try and do that or not yet. I have packed a can of nourishment for each day so that should help.
Sophie x
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Studies
My mum one day sent me an email of a study at King College London that needed volunteers. They needed people with eating disorders and their siblings. I have long wanted research to reveal why people get these disorders or at least more of an idea, so i was pleased to know of a study investigating this and even more pleased that it would be possible for me to help it.
So i emailed that woman who was running the study and was accepted. My sister and me went to London and gave a saliva sample (for the genetic, biological side) and did an hour long interview (for the environment side).
They said gathering and processing the results would probably take about a year, which s understandable, but longer than i want to wait! My sister and me were even given £10 each for participating.
They also offered me 2 other studies which i will gladly take part in. There are actually quite alot of studies going on which i think is promising.
I definitely suggest looking out for studies, you can help research and even earn a little bit of money. And they arnt much trouble. One of the studies im doing is actually a kid of therapy which i am getting for free and it might help me recover. They might be advertised at your eating disorders clinic.
Sophie x
So i emailed that woman who was running the study and was accepted. My sister and me went to London and gave a saliva sample (for the genetic, biological side) and did an hour long interview (for the environment side).
They said gathering and processing the results would probably take about a year, which s understandable, but longer than i want to wait! My sister and me were even given £10 each for participating.
They also offered me 2 other studies which i will gladly take part in. There are actually quite alot of studies going on which i think is promising.
I definitely suggest looking out for studies, you can help research and even earn a little bit of money. And they arnt much trouble. One of the studies im doing is actually a kid of therapy which i am getting for free and it might help me recover. They might be advertised at your eating disorders clinic.
Sophie x
Tuesday, 2 August 2011
Vegetarianism and Eating Disorders
I have read quite a number of articles and blog posts about this. Many with eating disorders have a vegetarian or vegan diet, no question; but are vegetarians more likely to develop eating disorders, or people with eating disorders more likely to adopt vegetarianism?
There is no doubt that being vegetarian can be very healthy, and can cut out alot of fat from a persons diet. Red meat can be very fatty especially and vegetables have very few calories and virtually no fat in most cases. Therefore, changing to a vegetarian diet, could aid weightloss if the person also avoids cakes, chocolate, biscuits and cheese etc. This could be a reason for someone with an eating disorder, and desire to loose weight to become vegetarian.
Also, being vegetarian give a person alot of control over their diet, especially if their family is not. They can decline the meals cooked for them and argue that it is for ethical reasons, this makes it far harder for parents to force fatty meat into the person. This may lead to the vegetarian cooking their own meals which they can control completely, or just them missing out on that component on the meal overall. This is another reason why someone with an eating disorder might decide to become vegetarian.
However, most of the diet meals and foods i see on the shelves at M&S, Boots, Tescos etc, contain chicken, turkey or fish, and many weightloss diets feature alot of lean meats. Therefore, it may be impractical for someone with an eating disorder to choose the go vegetarian as they cannot have the low fat, low calorie meal options (vegetarian meals often have cheese in for the protein part). Although, maybe this gives the vegetarian the excuse not to eat atall.
With regards to vegetarians developing eating disorders, i am one of these. I was born into a vegetarian family who wanted to help animals, it is therefore impossible for me to have made the derision based on weightloss.
Vegetarians for animal rights purposes already feel strongly about food. If they ate meat, they would feel guilty. And feeling guilty after eating is associated with eating disorders.
Furthermore, they also pay much more attention often, to what is in their food, how it is prepared etc. (i.e what fat or oil something is cooked in, is it grilled or fried etc.) Therefore, there is always more emphasis on food than for a person with a normal diet. The vegetarian may also have to constantly check packaging of food before they buy or eat it, consequently they are more aware of the contents of what they eat and cannot avoid seeing the nutritional content (i.e calories and fat). If something is high in calories for example, they may put it down, but someone who has not had to check the ingredients, may not even see the statistics on the packaging and therefore not have as much of an awareness about GDA and nutritional requirements and values.
Personally, i know that people do become vegetarian in order to loose weight, and people with eating disorders do this so they can avoid food. But i also think that being vegetarian does place more emphasis and importance on food. I dont blame my anorexia on being vegetarian but i wouldnt rule out the possibility that it has made my knowledge of food more extensive and may have aided my weightloss. It is not a pleasant thought to think that the way my parents have raised me and the ethical and moral decision i made to stay vegetarian has cause such a horrible illness. I would like to think it hasnt. But at least i can be sure that i really did become vegetarian for my families own values.
Sophie x
There is no doubt that being vegetarian can be very healthy, and can cut out alot of fat from a persons diet. Red meat can be very fatty especially and vegetables have very few calories and virtually no fat in most cases. Therefore, changing to a vegetarian diet, could aid weightloss if the person also avoids cakes, chocolate, biscuits and cheese etc. This could be a reason for someone with an eating disorder, and desire to loose weight to become vegetarian.
Also, being vegetarian give a person alot of control over their diet, especially if their family is not. They can decline the meals cooked for them and argue that it is for ethical reasons, this makes it far harder for parents to force fatty meat into the person. This may lead to the vegetarian cooking their own meals which they can control completely, or just them missing out on that component on the meal overall. This is another reason why someone with an eating disorder might decide to become vegetarian.
However, most of the diet meals and foods i see on the shelves at M&S, Boots, Tescos etc, contain chicken, turkey or fish, and many weightloss diets feature alot of lean meats. Therefore, it may be impractical for someone with an eating disorder to choose the go vegetarian as they cannot have the low fat, low calorie meal options (vegetarian meals often have cheese in for the protein part). Although, maybe this gives the vegetarian the excuse not to eat atall.
With regards to vegetarians developing eating disorders, i am one of these. I was born into a vegetarian family who wanted to help animals, it is therefore impossible for me to have made the derision based on weightloss.
Vegetarians for animal rights purposes already feel strongly about food. If they ate meat, they would feel guilty. And feeling guilty after eating is associated with eating disorders.
Furthermore, they also pay much more attention often, to what is in their food, how it is prepared etc. (i.e what fat or oil something is cooked in, is it grilled or fried etc.) Therefore, there is always more emphasis on food than for a person with a normal diet. The vegetarian may also have to constantly check packaging of food before they buy or eat it, consequently they are more aware of the contents of what they eat and cannot avoid seeing the nutritional content (i.e calories and fat). If something is high in calories for example, they may put it down, but someone who has not had to check the ingredients, may not even see the statistics on the packaging and therefore not have as much of an awareness about GDA and nutritional requirements and values.
Personally, i know that people do become vegetarian in order to loose weight, and people with eating disorders do this so they can avoid food. But i also think that being vegetarian does place more emphasis and importance on food. I dont blame my anorexia on being vegetarian but i wouldnt rule out the possibility that it has made my knowledge of food more extensive and may have aided my weightloss. It is not a pleasant thought to think that the way my parents have raised me and the ethical and moral decision i made to stay vegetarian has cause such a horrible illness. I would like to think it hasnt. But at least i can be sure that i really did become vegetarian for my families own values.
Sophie x
Monday, 1 August 2011
Peer Pressure
So yesterday i went to the park with my friends. I bought my usual un adventurous lunch, and my friends got theirs. They also got a big pack of biscuits.
I got offered one and refused many times. I kept getting the sideways head and disapproving look from my friend who had bought them, he constantly was shaking the pack at me too. But i kept just saying no. It was so sunny and the chocolate on the biscuits started to melt. Then, my friend was like, right we are finishing these now! And made us all take one, he said have half too me. So i did! I was completely worn down. So it was kindof a half giving in. I didnt have a whole 1 but i was peer pressured enough to let up a little bit. I had been made to feel so stupid and rude by him as all the others ate them and he kept on making me decline. Eventually i just had to give in.
I did feel a bit guilty afterwards, but i kept reminding myself that i could have had a whole 1 so i hadnt completely lost control. This shows i guess how i still fear losing control and will still refuse to eat normally. But i suppose i did take a tiny step yesterday, and i should be pleased about that. I was completely out of my comfort zone, but had no option but to just deal with it.
Sophie x
Sunday, 31 July 2011
A Shape of my Own Review
A Shape of my Own a memoir of anorexia and recovery by Grace Bowman. I actually finished this book a long time ago and only just remembered that i hadnt written a review of it.
I really really liked this book. It is both the story of someone which is compelling, interesting and thought provoking, and a look into the theories of the causes of eating disorders. It looks at quite a large range of theories too. Moreover, there is a notes section in the back with further facts and statistics.
I found i could identify with Bowman when i read the book, which made it a more interesting and personal read for myself. She talks about going to university even when the people around her thought she shouldnt, which is something that i am going to have to do soon. She also writes about her experience at university, which is useful in making me think what i will have to think about and do when i am there myself.
The book is also quite unique in that it has sections written in different ways; there are a few parts written as plays with stage directions and dialogue. It is dynamic and make it a more varied read.
Also, perhaps most importantly I found the book to be quite inspiring. Bowman recovers and does in in her own way. It made me feel like i really can recover when i put my mind to it and i will be ok to go to university and live independently.
I really would recommend this book. It is thought provoking and also helps gain a slightly bigger understanding on the overall issue of anorexia with the sections on theories.
Sophie x
Friday, 29 July 2011
Repercussions of a Really Bad Day
Ok, sorry for the inconsistency i will get back into the swing of things soon.
The other day, i went on a family trip, i couldnt have my milk but i brought my nourishment with me.
I wounldnt eat anything new. They wanted me to have a KFC Krushem, i dont eat KFC ever and certainly not a creamy drink. They wanted me to have a cake that i was offered but i didnt, i didnt know the calorie content. They wanted me to have chips at 11:30, thats way to late to eat anything... Those were my excuses.
The next day at the clinic, i had lost alot of weight and my mum was gutted but said she knew it would be the case. We both cried. When we got outside i said I loved her, she didnt say it back.
Also, the next morning, i ot a text from my dad: "Hi S, dissapointed in your attitude to food we are not your enemy You should be grateful to mum for caring and taking u to appts. eat well today eggs/protein, get strong love Dad x". Now that completely shocked me. I couldnt believe he had sent it. I had driven him to resort to texting what he wanted to say to me.
As you can tell, that day caused alot of pain and emotions for both me and my parents. I know that day alone has made them love me a little less, because i ruined that day witch was supposed to be a fun family outing.
Sophie x
The other day, i went on a family trip, i couldnt have my milk but i brought my nourishment with me.
I wounldnt eat anything new. They wanted me to have a KFC Krushem, i dont eat KFC ever and certainly not a creamy drink. They wanted me to have a cake that i was offered but i didnt, i didnt know the calorie content. They wanted me to have chips at 11:30, thats way to late to eat anything... Those were my excuses.
The next day at the clinic, i had lost alot of weight and my mum was gutted but said she knew it would be the case. We both cried. When we got outside i said I loved her, she didnt say it back.
Also, the next morning, i ot a text from my dad: "Hi S, dissapointed in your attitude to food we are not your enemy You should be grateful to mum for caring and taking u to appts. eat well today eggs/protein, get strong love Dad x". Now that completely shocked me. I couldnt believe he had sent it. I had driven him to resort to texting what he wanted to say to me.
As you can tell, that day caused alot of pain and emotions for both me and my parents. I know that day alone has made them love me a little less, because i ruined that day witch was supposed to be a fun family outing.
Sophie x
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