Back!

So, i am back from my course. Back into very little control world.

I actually think i did quite well on my own. I could have eaten a HELL of alot less. I did eat less than i would at home though.

One day i had a subway, which i had no idea of the calories of. I consider that ibit of an achievement, although i did know it wouldnt be alot of calories. I dont know if i have lost any weight yet. My mum is insisting on weighing me this afternoon. I hope it goes ok, im afraid of putting on or loosing weight.. loose loose situation :(

The course was really good. I did a presentation! I think i have had a huge confidence boost. I think my life s back on the rails, i feel really good at the moment.

Sophie x

Illustrated Explanation - Choice

This is a really interesting video. It is mainly about politics, but as it I was watching it i made quite a few comparisons and parallels with eating disorders, and then within the last few minutes they addressed them directly. 


I know much of the video is irrelevant, i found even those bits interesting regardless. I definitely think it is worth watching. I also enjoy the other illustrated videos the channel has done.. They are interesting to look at and explain topics well.


Sophie x  

Independence

This weekend i am going on a course. It means i have to say in a hotel away from home by myself for three days. I am surprised my parents are letting me do this. It means i will have complete control over what i eat.

I am confident that i will try my hardest to eat everything i am supposed to. I hope i can. I am really going to try. I am going to to some food up with me, like nourishment, and there is a Tescos there. The course provide refreshments and snacks but i will probably just eat my own food. 

If i come back and have lost weight, i am not allowed camping with my friends this summer. I really want to do that. My mum also said that she would be very disappointed and upset, so that is another reason. Not to mention that fact that i am trying to recover. 

If my parent can trust me to do this, i have to show them that they were right to trust me. Then they will let me do stuff like this again. Im very happy that they are trusting me now. It might be like it wil be when i go to university and have to get my own food etc. Im really looking forward to this independence!

Its going to be a challenge, but hopefully i will be fine. 

Sophie x

Modelling

Today i met my firend in starbucks for a coffee. A while ago she got scouted and now does some modelling. She is not anorexic, she is slender but she looks healthy and beautiful. She told me about the casting process that she has to go though. All the models have to stand in a line and 1 at a time they are pulled forward and measured in front of everyone to make sure they were not lying on their cards. Everyone in the room knows everone elses measurements after this. They then have to walk infront of everyone else aswell.

It made me think, no wonder these people get messed up! They are made to feel bad if they are bigger than the other models and made to feel humiliated. The clothes they are asked to wear for shoots are also tiny. My friend could not fit into the clothes for a shoot so they had to shoot from an angle where they couldnt see the zip wasnt done up. They tell her to loose weight. Many of them develope eating disorders after being instructed to diet, but after they get an illness, they are no longer wanted by the angency.

Its terrible and my friend has been made to feel bad about herself even though she is amazingly pretty. Im sure so many other girls at these castings have felt the same.

Sophie x

Negative Self Evaluation Explaination

Fairburn et al. did a study in 1999 which found that a high risk factor for bulimia was negative self evaluation. Another study by Button identified low self esteem to be a risk factor for eating disorders. Perfectionism is also a trait with a high risk factor, which would increase and intensify a negative self evaluation. 

Buttons study involved 594 school girls aged 11 to 12, who were evaluated for self esteem.  400 of these girls were followed up when they were 15 to 16 by answering a questionnaire about eating and psychological problems. Those with low self esteem when they were 11 or 12 were more likely to have low self esteem later, they were also more at risk of eating disorders and other problems related to health family and school.

This all seems fairly obvious, but there you are.

Sophie x 

General Update 4

The other day, my boyfriend told me he thought i was putting on weight. Not in a mean way though, because he wants me to put on weight and he said it was good. I was a bit offended though, even though i do know i will look better bigger, i suppose that means i am still not very near complete recovery.

He is very right to have said that though. I have put on quite alot of weight in my opinion. I am now very close to 7 stone. Which feels a bit scary. When i am 7 stone i get driving lessons and a provisional licence though so at least i do have something to look forward to when that time comes.. which is soon.

The little inspirational picture today that i found (below) seems extremely relevant..  

Sophie x

Eating Out

Yesterday was very hard. It was fathers day so we went out for lunch at a pub. It was a Weatherspoons which has its nutritional information on the website. The night before my mum and me looked at the possible things i could have, as i know i would feel alot better if there was a plan. The planning was cut a bit short because i had a friend coming over, but i had decided on a meal that was the right the calories my mum wanted. But pretty much just before we were about to leave she said i think your going to have a bit more than you planned yesterday.

I was very annoyed at this. The whole reason that i had planned is because the time we had eaten out before i get anxious and start crying, then people tell me i have ruined the day. I really didnt want that to happen. But on hearing this i burst into tears.

I eventually did decide on something i could have at the place. I felt a bit better because i knew that my mum and sister had chosen a much higher option. This sounds and i feel incredibly mean for saying that, but it just does make it easier somehow.

One of the biggest hurdles is the fact that i am not allowed a diet drink or water. I am forced to have a calorie one which i really do not want. It is especially hard when my sister gets a calorie free one.

It turned out ok in the end. I had a nice time and didnt feel guilty after the meal. But before hand was just horrible and i got so upset. When my plans get shattered i just freak out. Hopefully this will improve.

Sophie x

Obsessed

I read yesterday, that when the body is starved, it becomes very awake and alert - on the look out for food. It is thought that this is why those with eating disorders become obsessed with food. 

I know it is certainly true of me, i am obsessed with it and think about it often, i used to think about it ALL the time. I remember being in conversations, and then i would switch and start counting the calories i had had today, or making a plan of what i was going to about dinner or something. I would completely loose the thread of the talk. I would loose the plot of the films i watched aswell. Food shows and recipe books also became my favourite pass times. I recently went on my youtube account and made myself un subscribe from about 13 cookery channels. And there are 2 i just couldnt get rid of. Oh and food blogs are another thing.

So food took over my daytime, everyday life. It also took over my sleep. I still dream about food regularly. They are always nightmares. They are mostly about eating or drinking loads of something i thought was safe, and then seeing the label and realising that they are full of calories. Sometimes it is about my anxiety lowering methods being exposed.

Maybe that is what recovery will be to me. Being free from the thoughts of food.

Sophie x

A New and Stupid Theory

A new theory... My dads theory. It has no scientific evidence what so ever, it is a mere thought probably due to prejudice against diet drinks. Frankly, Its ridiculous, but he believes it. 

Yesterday, i dont know how or why but my my dad looked in my bag, which is annoying enough, but then (and i am in bed at this point trying to get to sleep) he starts shouting at me saying about 'why have i a got diet drink in my bag' 'your not in the diet bracket' 'full of chemicals but no calories' and blah. Thing is, i KNOW diet coke is full of chemicals and bad for you etc. so is alcohol and smoking, yet people do it because they like it, and they know that you can get away with doing some things which are not good for you. My dad drinks loads of alcohol practically every night which is probably worse for you then drinking diet drinks from time to time. And as for the no calories thing, as long as it is in addition to my meal plan, whats the problem?

Anyway, my dad's theory. What he said yesterday was that it was the chemicals in those drinks which had screwed up my brain and made me want/think i needed to diet. So there you go.. according to him its artificial sweeteners that cause anorexia!

Sophie x

Changes

I have been in treatment for over 7 months now. I can see so many changes in myself...

The Good:

-My hair is no longer falling out in clumps (just a little bit now). I used to have to drag my hair out of the plug hole during every shower so that it would let the water flow through.

-I am drinking nourishment, this is a drink that when was first suggested to me (before starting treatment) I was absolutely repulsed by. I now drink it everyday so something must have changed mentally.

- Better mood. On the whole i am a much happier person than i used to be (although i suppose this could be due to a few other things) ITHINK i am much more pleasant to be around now as i am less stressy and controlling.

- Less sunken eyes. I never noticed this actually but apparently i used to have very sunken and dark eyes, i am now told i look better.

- Enjoying life more, i feel more comfortable now and less stressed.

The Bad:

- Bigger legs.

- Bloated and full feeling all the time. (i know this will pass with time)

I apologise if that sounded like i was just bragging. Basically, my point is, that with recovery my life is getting better. I am better of now then i was before recovery ad there is more good to come. Therefore, i recommend trying to recover and not just accepting that you have an illness and trying to live with it, which for a while is what i intended to do. I am so glad i got help.

Sophie x

Pressure To Succeed Explaination

Anorexia is perhaps most common in families where the parents professional an middle class. It is also more common in those who go on to higher education. This could suggest a link between the illness and a will and the pressure to succeed and improve. Also, from the pressure to succeed from family, can come depression an other psychological problems (including anorexia) if the pressure is too much. 

This does make sense to me. I think i am in middle class, i am in higher education (college, and intend on going to university) and my mum has always put a hell of alot of pressure on me. The pressure i got was to do well in exams. I know another anorexic whos mother pressured them alot into being 'cool' and social. There does appear to be a link between the two in my eyes. 

It has ling been something my family and me have thought that i have had some depression which manifested itself as an eating disorder and if it hadnt been that, it would be something else like drug abuse. This would support that pressure leads to psychological problems including depression and anorexia.

Sophie x

Waiting for Food

In the book To Kill A Mocking Bird by Harper Lee. The children have to go into this old lady's house and read to her. She is called Ms Dubose. The children have to read to her until an alarm rings and ten they can leave. **Slight Spoiler** The bell gets later and later. They then find out that she had a morphine addiction and when the bell went she could have some **End Of Spoiler**


This reminds me of myself, but with food. In order to feel in control of my eating, even if i dont have control of what i am eating, i keep set times of when i can eat each thing on my meal plan. I will tell everyone that i hate food, and i do, but i hate it because i love it. I actually look forward to these times most times. I will stare at my watch until it gets to the exact number. Then i know that i can eat. However, usually i wont, i try to make myself wait as long as possible. I think it is only to show myself that i am still in control and i can still resist food. I know ho silly that sounds.


The times which i do eat, are often quite late. The other day i thought, im going to move everything after dinner back half an hour. But when i came to the new time to eat, i didnt, i let it tick on until the normal time. I thought that i just couldnt resist if i made it earlier and convinced myself that that was the unconscious reason i had decided to eat earlier.


... Normality seems so far away at the moment


Sophie x

Expectations

I going to hit you with some more psychology. I had an exam in it last week so im pretty clued up on it at the moment!

The reason i got thinking about this, is that for dinner tonight, i wasnt asked what i wanted, it just began to be prepared. I said to my mum that i didnt really want a baked potato and that it was unfair that i wasnt asked. Now, if a 'normal' person, or me before my disorder had said this, my mum would have probably just said oh sorry or something. But instead my dad shouts down the stairs somthing like 'stop rejecting and complaining about food, your weak, its your anorexia, stop being so weak and think about what your saying' blah blah blah.

Why this has to do with psychology is that one of the core studies i had to know was called Insane in Insane Places, by Rosenhan. Part of the study involved sane people being admitted into a mental hospital and trying to convince the staff that they were infact sane. The pseudo patients kept notes, a normal behaviour, except the doctors wrote in the records 'patient engages in writing behaviour' and if they arrived early for lunch, they had ' oral acquisitive syndrome'. Their normal behaviours were being seen in the light of what their diagnosis made people expect them to act like.

I think the same is happening to me. I cant ever just not really feel like something, infact i cant ever not like any food. Its always my anorexia that doesnt like the food apparently. I always thought people had food that just wernt to their tastes but seems like im not allowed that.

:(

Sophie x

Nutritional Information On Packets 2

The other day i saw my nutritionist. She said something which i found really odd for someone interested in health to say. She said that she would like it is all the nutritional information on packets was taken off.

Im pretty sure the reason its on there is so that people can be aware of what they eat and make better decisions. It seems strange that someone who is so interested in healthy eating would want them removed. But she is not alone, she said many other nutritionists agree. She said that it has made people far too worried about fats. I know that we need fats and having some fats is essential in our diets, but im fairly sure that for most people it should be kept an eye upon, if that fat percentage and grams was not on there, people might eat loads of it without knowing.

My mum agrees with my nutritionist, and although i would hate it if the fat and calories was not labelled on everything, i do see their point. I dont know if i would have ended up the way i am if i had not become so aware of what was in my food. If i didnt know that a certain food (i.e. pasta) had so many calories in it, i would not have made myself avoid it. However, for the majority of the population, i would say that it is important for them to know, for most people, eating too much saturated fats would be very dangerous for example. I dont think we can trust our natural instincts to eat what is healthy for us anymore, i think that instinct went a long time ago. So i would say we do need the labels.

Sophie x

Parents

Ughhh...

My parents are literally driving me CRAZY!

They keep on and on at me to eat, but i am following my meal plan. Do they not see that it is hard enough for me to do that? Only yesterday did i get an increase to my meal plan and theyre already saying have more. They keep saying "You can have stuff thats not on your meal plan", yes, i know i can but that would be extremely uncomfortable and i am eating constantly anyway. I really have to eat at least one thing every hour, sometimes more. Considering i would rather not eat, that is definately hard enough for me to be getting on with. They just dont seem to be able to stop pushing me.

They do this particuarly annoying thing where im in the next room and they will have a loud conversation which i can hear. They are basically talking to me but in the third person. It goes something like "Sophie should have some of them", "Theyd be really good for Sophie", "That would be an easy thing for Sophie to have just a little be extra", "Sophie really should be having that" etc. Really, it actually makes me so mad. I never confront them though, i usually just well up with tears, today i loudly walked up the stairs whille they were in mid 'conversation'. I think i am dealling with it quite well, im not shouting or rowing with them, which i think is good.

They really just dont understand i dont think. Which is so fustrating!

Sophie x

Individual Identity Explaination

It has been suggested that eating disorders can be related to family issues and relationships. This involves adolescent's 'struggle' to gain an individual identity and independence. In some families, the parents will enforce so much control that the children to not gain a sense of individuality, resulting in low-self esteem. Part of the family control may be that the parent cooks the meals and the child eats them. Therefore, a way to resist the control and find individuality and independence, may be not to eat.

This theory seems quite stretched. I think it seems like too smaller thing to have such a large impact (although i suppose it is often the small things). Perhaps vomiting is a more extreme form. If a meal is cooked by a parent and the child throws it back up, that could be seen as resisting control. 

I know that i was always made to sit at the table and eat my meal. I was an extremely fussy eater as a child but my dad would not let me leave the table without eating everything. So i guess in this way, control was enforced on me. But still, i dont think i would use this to rebel. It seems too cruel and an insignificant thing to rebel with. I dont know, i dont think this applies to me, but it is a plausible theory.

Sophie x

Nutritional Information On Packets

Something that has always annoyed, stressed an worried me to a certain extent, is the nutritional information on packets not being accurate. It has began to annoy me now more than it ever has done before, i dont really know why this has increased.

I think it is fair for me to doubt these statistics. The other day, my mum put 2 supposedly identical pizzas in the oven, but 1 had SO much more cheese on than the other, so the statistics could not be correct for both of them. I wonder if they go for the upper or lower estimate, probably the lower to make the statistics look more healthy.

I have found that the only way to deal with this added anxiety on food, is to be 'safe' and take a little bit off everything i eat, therefore, it can only be equal to or a little under the statistics it gives. However, i know this is hindering my recovery, it should be good if i eat a bit more than it says on the packet, i will get well quicker. But my mind is only in a rational state probably less than half the time. And when it comes to eating, it never is! I must try and stop doing this though, it i not normal and that is what i am aiming for - normality.

Sophie x

Psychodynamic Explainations

If you didnt know, Freud created the psychodynamic approach and it is very controversial. Freud was the fist person to suggest we have an unconscious mind which influences our behaviour and also that we have drives within us, constantly in conflict, determining how we behave. It is controversial because of how strange and weird some of his theories are, for instance, that children go through psycho-sexual stages of development. 


Repressed sexual impulses. Freud said that eating is a substitute for sexual expression and therefore, anorexia could be seen as a way to repress sexual urges. Psychologist Hilde Bruch suggested that anorexia is connected with psycho-sexual immaturity. 


A suggestion is that woman have fantasies about impregnation and confuse fatness with pregnancy. They unconsciously believe that eating will lead to pregnancy and so starve themselves. I would just like to point out that this makes very little sense to me! I thought unconsciously we all wanted to carry on our genes and continue the race, therefore we would want to be pregnant on an unconscious level. 


Another suggestion is that eating becomes linked to taking on an adult role, including an adult sexual role and so the women who cannot face this, will starve themselves to avoid it. So they can maintain childhood or regress to it. Bruch claims it has a mutual reward for both mothers and daughters. The mother may be over anxious about her daughter growing up, limiting her independence and keeping her child-like. For the daughter, her behaviour has enabled her to continue to be dependent on her mother. I have heard theories similar to these before, i didnt know that they were originated from the psychodynamic perspective for a long time though. I think it does make sense that a person may want to remain a child and not want to grow up, and it does seem like anorexia is a way to prevent this physically as it prevents puberty. However, i dont think this applies to me as i have always been desperate to grow up to fast! I also think that a mother could possibly want her daughter to remain 'her baby' and not grow up. However, my mother certainly want me to get out of this and i dont think she wants me to stay this way!


Sexual abuse and gender socialization. Psychotherapy studies indicate that eating disorders are associated with early experiences of sexual abuse. A large proportion of those studied had experienced this. However, i know i and many others have not been abused in this way, so this is not a necessary criteria.


Well i certainly have my doubts about these explanations, but maybe i am biased because i am inclined to reject Freud's theories just because i dont want to believe that humans are so weird.


Sophie x  

Super Models Body Shop Poster

Ok, so i know this poster is REALLY old, but i have never really properly understood what it meant and what message its trying to get across.

I suppose what their saying is dont aspire to be a supermodel (or perfect?) because there are so few and so many normal people. 

But why should we not aspire to be the best? I want to be a computer games programmer, i want to get the best job and be the highest up, should i not apply for this? Should i not try? I dont see whats wrong with trying to look good. I identified my biggest flaw (big legs)  and tried to change it. I see this as a good thing, i wanted to help myself. And i wanted to be perfect. But obviously i took it too far, way too far. I dont think the way to stop eating disorders (and other issues) is to say dont aim for perfection because you wont get there because there are too few people that do. I didnt think i would achieve perfection but i would get closer. Surely the more i looked like my (and to a large extent society's) idea of perfection the better.

Basically, to me this advert says, there are only 8 good looking people, you are not one of them, do not try to be. Just accept who you are even if your not happy with it. Go through life un happy in yourself because you can never be any different.

Hmmm... maybe i just have this all wrong. It is the Body Shop who i would expect their adverts to work and make sense but i just cant see a good message in it now, maybe i will later.

Sophie x

Review

So yesterday it was my review. I was really worried about it but it turned out fine.


I had put on weight and i was relieved, but i weigh quite alot now i think. I get confused though cause i work in stones and pounds and they do kg and weight for height. I think i get this weight for height thing a bit more now. Its like a proportion i think. But anyway, im now 75% . When i am 85% i get an ovary scan.. yay! Although i did drink alot of water before i went in, its was the only way i could keep my anxiety levels lower but i should have just rode them out i suppose, then i would have had a more accurate weighing. I do this before almost all weighings though so i suppose the increase is fairly accurate.


In the summer they are starting  group for people my age to talk to each other about things that are bothering us and teen issues etc. They want me to go and i want to go, i think it will be nice to talk about personal things to people who can understand a bit more than my friends can. Also hopefully i can make some more friends. They also want to give me therapy to increase confidence. This will be earlier than the summer she thought. At first i was hesitant about this, i wasnt sure that i needed it now, but she (my head worker) and my mum seemed to think it was an excellent idea. Ill just go with the flow on this one, maybe it would be cool to be more confident.


Sophie x

Priorities and Normality

I have my review today. Hell, im really nervous, i really dont want to go.

The thing which i have found at all my appointments is that I am scared to put on weight, but i am also scared of not putting on weight. These fears are amplified many times when its an actual review with the head worker. 

I really dont want to disappoint my family, i dont want to be taken out of college, i dont want to be an in patient, i want to be healthy, i want to have children, i want to drive a car, i want to go to university... the list goes on and all these things i need to put on weight for. But despite all these reasons, instead of feeling happy when i step on the scales and see an increase because i am closer to being able to do all these things, i feel terrified and weak. I feel like i let myself put on weight therefore i am weak. How can the need for this disorder match (or even overtake) my priorities for all these really important things?! 

So i fear putting on weight and not putting on weight. I could see it as a win win situation, if i put on weight, i am am closer to everything i listed, if i dont put on weight my anorexia wins and my anxiety can remain a little lowered. Except its not a win win situation in my mind, its a lose lose. Whatever the result i will be unhappy, not happy. I just want to be normal now, why cant i just be normal?!

I ate an extra borbon biscuit yesterday because my parent wanted me to, i didnt even like it but there was nothing else to eat and they really wanted me to have something extra. The guilt i felt afterwards was very powerful and i had to go to bed because i couldnt sit down and watch the film we were going to watch after. I think that when i can eat something extra without feeling guilty, will be the day i have recovered. Then i will be normal.

Sophie x

Changing Your Life

I found this video really quite useful. It talks about how to get over the obsicles that prevent you from changing your life. Basically, how to saty motivated to change. It goes through what the obsicles are and then some tools and methods to combat them. Most of it is fairly obvious but it is good to be reminded.

Obviously I, and many others have to switch what she says around from loosing weight to putting on weight! I havnt put this video on here to help me or other anorexics loose weight! So switch it around!

Just remember that you really can change your life. I am going to change mine, I have come along way and I will reach normality. I hope this video does help people to stay focused and achieve their goals.

Sophie x

Songs 4

Lady Gaga - Born This Way. While this song isnt directly about eating disorders, and there was probably no intention for it to apply, i believe it has relevence.

"There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are
She said, 'cause He made you perfect, babe
So hold your head up, girl and you you'll go far
Listen to me when I say

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way, born this way"

Basically, your beautiful the way you are. (I dont believe in God but..) God made you with your body and he "makes no mistakes". We should not try and alter our natural body shapes that we are born with. I weas born with a pear shape body but i changed it to be boyish, and now i am told i am ugly.

I wish we could all be more proud of who we are and who we were. I hated myself so i changes, but i should have loved myself and then i would have been more confident and not in the mess i am now.

I have noticed there are significantly more pro ana songs than pro recovery. Not good.

Sophie x