Turn Around

Recently I got the threat of going to an inpatient clinic turned very real. But. there. is. no. way. i. am. going. The minimum stay is 6 weeks, so i would most likely have to re do the college year. It would literally throw my whole life out of sinc. I have told my mum that if i do go it will be a section beacuse i just cannot allow myself to go willingly.


The good thing about having this threat is that it forced me to admit to everyone that i have always been lying about what i eat, been deceitful and hiding things. That meant that i am always watched when i eat now so i have no choice but to eat it. So the weight is finally going on and i am eating so much more. But the threat remains even though i have turned it around. I still have to go there for a consultation even though i am different now and i do not need to go in. It is frustrating but there is nothing i can do but stick to the meal plan.


Sophie x

Brighton

Today I am going away to stay in Brighton for a few days. I am going to be with a friend and we are staying in their uncles house. None of my family will be there to supervise me. Although my friend is aware of my issues and i dont think would let me eat nothing (i wouldnt anyway) he wont want to think about that make me eat everything on my meal plan.


There is alot of resposibility for me and i really hope i will be able to deal with it and not loose weight. My parents have said that if i do loose weight im not allowed to go to anymore things away. This might include cancelling the festival i am helping out out later which would be a huge shame as i am really looking forward to that.


Hopefully for these few days away i will see what it is like to eat normally in a house where there are no rules about food and when or what one has to eat. Maybe i will learn to better eat intuitively. That would happen if i chose not to follow my eating plan at all i suppose, but i dont know if i should try and do that or not yet. I have packed a can of nourishment for each day so that should help.


Sophie x

Studies

My mum one day sent me an email of a study at King College London that needed volunteers. They needed people with eating disorders and their siblings. I have long wanted research to reveal why people get these disorders or at least more of an idea, so i was pleased to know of a study investigating this and even more pleased that it would be possible for me to help it. 


So i emailed that woman who was running the study and was accepted. My sister and me went to London and gave a saliva sample (for the genetic, biological side) and did an hour long interview (for the environment side). 


They said gathering and processing the results would probably take about a year, which s understandable, but longer than i want to wait! My sister and me were even given £10 each for participating.


They also offered me 2 other studies which i will gladly take part in. There are actually quite alot of studies going on which i think is promising. 


I definitely suggest looking out for studies, you can help research and even earn a little bit of money. And they arnt much trouble. One of the studies im doing is actually a kid of therapy which i am getting for free and it might help me recover. They might be advertised at your eating disorders clinic.


Sophie x

Vegetarianism and Eating Disorders

I have read quite a number of articles and blog posts about this. Many with eating disorders have a vegetarian or vegan diet, no question; but are vegetarians more likely to develop eating disorders, or people with eating disorders more likely to adopt vegetarianism? 


There is no doubt that being vegetarian can be very healthy, and can cut out alot of fat from a persons diet. Red meat can be very fatty especially and vegetables have very few calories and virtually no fat in most cases. Therefore, changing to a vegetarian diet, could aid weightloss if the person also avoids cakes, chocolate, biscuits and cheese etc. This could be a reason for someone with an eating disorder, and desire to loose weight to become vegetarian. 


Also, being vegetarian give a person alot of control over their diet, especially if their family is not. They can decline the meals cooked for them and argue that it is for ethical reasons, this makes it far harder for parents to force fatty meat into the person. This may lead to the vegetarian cooking their own meals which they can control completely, or just them missing out on that component on the meal overall. This is another reason why someone with an eating disorder might decide to become vegetarian.


However, most of the diet meals and foods i see on the shelves at M&S, Boots, Tescos etc, contain chicken, turkey or fish, and many weightloss diets feature alot of lean meats. Therefore, it may be impractical for someone with an eating disorder to choose the go vegetarian as they cannot have the low fat, low calorie meal options (vegetarian meals often have cheese in for the protein part). Although, maybe this gives the vegetarian the excuse not to eat atall.


With regards to vegetarians developing eating disorders, i am one of these. I was born into a vegetarian family who wanted to help animals, it is therefore impossible for me to have made the derision based on weightloss. 


Vegetarians for animal rights purposes already feel strongly about food. If they ate meat, they would feel guilty. And feeling guilty after eating is associated with eating disorders. 


Furthermore, they also pay much more attention often, to what is in their food, how it is prepared etc. (i.e what fat or oil something is cooked in, is it grilled or fried etc.) Therefore, there is always more emphasis on food than for a person with a normal diet. The vegetarian may also have to constantly check packaging of food before they buy or eat it, consequently they are more aware of the contents of what they eat and cannot avoid seeing the nutritional content (i.e calories and fat). If something is high in calories for example, they may put it down, but someone who has not had to check the ingredients, may not even see the statistics on the packaging and therefore not have as much of an awareness about GDA and nutritional requirements and values.


Personally, i know that people do become vegetarian in order to loose weight, and people with eating disorders do this so they can avoid food. But i also think that being vegetarian does place more emphasis and importance on food. I dont blame my anorexia on being vegetarian but i wouldnt rule out the possibility that it has made my knowledge of food more extensive and may have aided my weightloss. It is not a pleasant thought to think that the way my parents have raised me and the ethical and moral decision i made to stay vegetarian has cause such a horrible illness. I would like to think it hasnt. But at least i can be sure that i really did become vegetarian for my families own values. 


Sophie x

Peer Pressure

So yesterday i went to the park with my friends. I bought my usual un adventurous lunch, and my friends got theirs. They also got a big pack of biscuits.

I got offered one and refused many times. I kept getting the sideways head and disapproving look from my friend who had bought them, he constantly was shaking the pack at me too. But i kept just saying no. It was so sunny and the chocolate on the biscuits started to melt. Then, my friend was like, right we are finishing these now! And made us all take one, he said have half too me. So i did! I was completely worn down. So it was kindof a half giving in. I didnt have a whole 1 but i was peer pressured enough to let up a little bit. I had been made to feel so stupid and rude by him as all the others ate them and he kept on making me decline. Eventually i just had to give in.

I did feel a bit guilty afterwards, but i kept reminding myself that i could have had a whole 1 so i hadnt completely lost control. This shows i guess how i still fear losing control and will still refuse to eat normally. But i suppose i did take a tiny step yesterday, and i should be pleased about that. I was completely out of my comfort zone, but had no option but to just deal with it.

Sophie x

A Shape of my Own Review

A Shape of my Own a memoir of anorexia and recovery by Grace Bowman. I actually finished this book a long time ago and only just remembered that i hadnt written a review of it.

I really really liked this book. It is both the story of someone which is compelling, interesting and thought provoking, and a look into the theories of the causes of eating disorders. It looks at quite a large range of theories too. Moreover, there is a notes section in the back with further facts and statistics. 

I found i could identify with Bowman when i read the book, which made it a more interesting and personal read for myself. She talks about going to university even when the people around her thought she shouldnt, which is something that i am going to have to do soon. She also writes about her experience at university, which is useful in making me think what i will have to think about and do when i am there myself.

The book is also quite unique in that it has sections written in different ways; there are a few parts written as plays with stage directions and dialogue. It is dynamic and make it a more varied read.

Also, perhaps most importantly I found the book to be quite inspiring. Bowman recovers and does in in her own way. It made me feel like i really can recover when i put my mind to it and i will be ok to go to university and live independently.

I really would recommend this book. It is thought provoking and also helps gain a slightly bigger understanding on the overall issue of anorexia with the sections on theories.

Sophie x

Repercussions of a Really Bad Day

Ok, sorry for the inconsistency i will get back into the swing of things soon.


The other day, i went on a family trip, i couldnt have my milk but i brought my nourishment with me. 


I wounldnt eat anything new. They wanted me to have a KFC Krushem, i dont eat KFC ever and certainly not a creamy drink. They wanted me to have a cake that i was offered but i didnt, i didnt know the calorie content. They wanted me to have chips at 11:30, thats way to late to eat anything... Those were my excuses. 


The next day at the clinic, i had lost alot of weight and my mum was gutted but said she knew it would be the case. We both cried. When we got outside i said I loved her, she didnt say it back.


Also, the next morning, i ot a text from my dad: "Hi S, dissapointed in your attitude to food we are not your enemy You should be grateful to mum for caring and taking u to appts. eat well today eggs/protein, get strong love Dad x". Now that completely shocked me. I couldnt believe he had sent it. I had driven him to resort to texting what he wanted to say to me.


As you can tell, that day caused alot of pain and emotions for both me and my parents. I know that day alone has made them love me a little less, because i ruined that day witch was supposed to be a fun family outing.


Sophie x

Occupational Therapy

I am now going to more appointments. Its these occupational therapy appointments. I have been to one already and i have my second one today. I dont really know what they are about, the first session was just like an introductory one i think. If not it was just like any other counselling session ive ever been to.. just me talking and spilling all my secrets and inner feelings basically!


I was given 3 form/questionnaire things to fill out too, so the lady will have a pretty clear idea about who i am and what i struggle with in life. I am told it is a very practical therapy. I think this means that i will be set challenges and stuff to do that will make me feel uncomfortable, but will help my self esteem in the long run. I then have to report how i handled these challenging situations. This is only what i think, hopefully later on today, after this second session, i will know for sure.


This is one of the emotional services i am being given. They have finally set one up for me even though i "cannot absorb and cognite what i am being told and therapy will not be affective while i am this weight". I am pleased to have it, as it is supposed to boost my self esteem, and who doesnt want to feel better about themselves? Hopefully it will be useful.


Sophie x

Chantelle Houghton

http://www.metro.co.uk/showbiz/869688-chantelle-houghton-dieting-left-me-unable-to-conceive

Above is a link that my mum directed me to. It is about Big Brother contestant Chantelle Houghton. Shes 27 and she says ‘The doctor told me that I’d never be able to conceive naturally,’ . 


She says it was due to her her extreme dieting, crash dieting and battle with bulimia. She says that she blames herself and  "can never forgive myself."


Luckily she may be able to become pregnant with IVF, but there is no certainty.


She warns ‘Being stick-thin – is it worth that?’ 


This is a stripped down version of the article, its not long to start with so will only take a few minutes to read. 


Its so easy to forget that having a family is more important than control over my eating. But i will try to keep remembering it and hopefully Chantelle Houghton will remind me.


Sophie x

Sorry I Haven't Posted In Ages

Hiya,


Sorry that i havent posted for so long. I just needed a break and i couldnt keep it up. Ive had a few downs recently but hopefully that is all over now.


:)


Sophie x

Back!

So, i am back from my course. Back into very little control world.

I actually think i did quite well on my own. I could have eaten a HELL of alot less. I did eat less than i would at home though.

One day i had a subway, which i had no idea of the calories of. I consider that ibit of an achievement, although i did know it wouldnt be alot of calories. I dont know if i have lost any weight yet. My mum is insisting on weighing me this afternoon. I hope it goes ok, im afraid of putting on or loosing weight.. loose loose situation :(

The course was really good. I did a presentation! I think i have had a huge confidence boost. I think my life s back on the rails, i feel really good at the moment.

Sophie x

Illustrated Explanation - Choice

This is a really interesting video. It is mainly about politics, but as it I was watching it i made quite a few comparisons and parallels with eating disorders, and then within the last few minutes they addressed them directly. 


I know much of the video is irrelevant, i found even those bits interesting regardless. I definitely think it is worth watching. I also enjoy the other illustrated videos the channel has done.. They are interesting to look at and explain topics well.


Sophie x  

Independence

This weekend i am going on a course. It means i have to say in a hotel away from home by myself for three days. I am surprised my parents are letting me do this. It means i will have complete control over what i eat.

I am confident that i will try my hardest to eat everything i am supposed to. I hope i can. I am really going to try. I am going to to some food up with me, like nourishment, and there is a Tescos there. The course provide refreshments and snacks but i will probably just eat my own food. 

If i come back and have lost weight, i am not allowed camping with my friends this summer. I really want to do that. My mum also said that she would be very disappointed and upset, so that is another reason. Not to mention that fact that i am trying to recover. 

If my parent can trust me to do this, i have to show them that they were right to trust me. Then they will let me do stuff like this again. Im very happy that they are trusting me now. It might be like it wil be when i go to university and have to get my own food etc. Im really looking forward to this independence!

Its going to be a challenge, but hopefully i will be fine. 

Sophie x

Modelling

Today i met my firend in starbucks for a coffee. A while ago she got scouted and now does some modelling. She is not anorexic, she is slender but she looks healthy and beautiful. She told me about the casting process that she has to go though. All the models have to stand in a line and 1 at a time they are pulled forward and measured in front of everyone to make sure they were not lying on their cards. Everyone in the room knows everone elses measurements after this. They then have to walk infront of everyone else aswell.

It made me think, no wonder these people get messed up! They are made to feel bad if they are bigger than the other models and made to feel humiliated. The clothes they are asked to wear for shoots are also tiny. My friend could not fit into the clothes for a shoot so they had to shoot from an angle where they couldnt see the zip wasnt done up. They tell her to loose weight. Many of them develope eating disorders after being instructed to diet, but after they get an illness, they are no longer wanted by the angency.

Its terrible and my friend has been made to feel bad about herself even though she is amazingly pretty. Im sure so many other girls at these castings have felt the same.

Sophie x

Negative Self Evaluation Explaination

Fairburn et al. did a study in 1999 which found that a high risk factor for bulimia was negative self evaluation. Another study by Button identified low self esteem to be a risk factor for eating disorders. Perfectionism is also a trait with a high risk factor, which would increase and intensify a negative self evaluation. 

Buttons study involved 594 school girls aged 11 to 12, who were evaluated for self esteem.  400 of these girls were followed up when they were 15 to 16 by answering a questionnaire about eating and psychological problems. Those with low self esteem when they were 11 or 12 were more likely to have low self esteem later, they were also more at risk of eating disorders and other problems related to health family and school.

This all seems fairly obvious, but there you are.

Sophie x 

General Update 4

The other day, my boyfriend told me he thought i was putting on weight. Not in a mean way though, because he wants me to put on weight and he said it was good. I was a bit offended though, even though i do know i will look better bigger, i suppose that means i am still not very near complete recovery.

He is very right to have said that though. I have put on quite alot of weight in my opinion. I am now very close to 7 stone. Which feels a bit scary. When i am 7 stone i get driving lessons and a provisional licence though so at least i do have something to look forward to when that time comes.. which is soon.

The little inspirational picture today that i found (below) seems extremely relevant..  

Sophie x

Eating Out

Yesterday was very hard. It was fathers day so we went out for lunch at a pub. It was a Weatherspoons which has its nutritional information on the website. The night before my mum and me looked at the possible things i could have, as i know i would feel alot better if there was a plan. The planning was cut a bit short because i had a friend coming over, but i had decided on a meal that was the right the calories my mum wanted. But pretty much just before we were about to leave she said i think your going to have a bit more than you planned yesterday.

I was very annoyed at this. The whole reason that i had planned is because the time we had eaten out before i get anxious and start crying, then people tell me i have ruined the day. I really didnt want that to happen. But on hearing this i burst into tears.

I eventually did decide on something i could have at the place. I felt a bit better because i knew that my mum and sister had chosen a much higher option. This sounds and i feel incredibly mean for saying that, but it just does make it easier somehow.

One of the biggest hurdles is the fact that i am not allowed a diet drink or water. I am forced to have a calorie one which i really do not want. It is especially hard when my sister gets a calorie free one.

It turned out ok in the end. I had a nice time and didnt feel guilty after the meal. But before hand was just horrible and i got so upset. When my plans get shattered i just freak out. Hopefully this will improve.

Sophie x

Obsessed

I read yesterday, that when the body is starved, it becomes very awake and alert - on the look out for food. It is thought that this is why those with eating disorders become obsessed with food. 

I know it is certainly true of me, i am obsessed with it and think about it often, i used to think about it ALL the time. I remember being in conversations, and then i would switch and start counting the calories i had had today, or making a plan of what i was going to about dinner or something. I would completely loose the thread of the talk. I would loose the plot of the films i watched aswell. Food shows and recipe books also became my favourite pass times. I recently went on my youtube account and made myself un subscribe from about 13 cookery channels. And there are 2 i just couldnt get rid of. Oh and food blogs are another thing.

So food took over my daytime, everyday life. It also took over my sleep. I still dream about food regularly. They are always nightmares. They are mostly about eating or drinking loads of something i thought was safe, and then seeing the label and realising that they are full of calories. Sometimes it is about my anxiety lowering methods being exposed.

Maybe that is what recovery will be to me. Being free from the thoughts of food.

Sophie x

A New and Stupid Theory

A new theory... My dads theory. It has no scientific evidence what so ever, it is a mere thought probably due to prejudice against diet drinks. Frankly, Its ridiculous, but he believes it. 

Yesterday, i dont know how or why but my my dad looked in my bag, which is annoying enough, but then (and i am in bed at this point trying to get to sleep) he starts shouting at me saying about 'why have i a got diet drink in my bag' 'your not in the diet bracket' 'full of chemicals but no calories' and blah. Thing is, i KNOW diet coke is full of chemicals and bad for you etc. so is alcohol and smoking, yet people do it because they like it, and they know that you can get away with doing some things which are not good for you. My dad drinks loads of alcohol practically every night which is probably worse for you then drinking diet drinks from time to time. And as for the no calories thing, as long as it is in addition to my meal plan, whats the problem?

Anyway, my dad's theory. What he said yesterday was that it was the chemicals in those drinks which had screwed up my brain and made me want/think i needed to diet. So there you go.. according to him its artificial sweeteners that cause anorexia!

Sophie x

Changes

I have been in treatment for over 7 months now. I can see so many changes in myself...

The Good:

-My hair is no longer falling out in clumps (just a little bit now). I used to have to drag my hair out of the plug hole during every shower so that it would let the water flow through.

-I am drinking nourishment, this is a drink that when was first suggested to me (before starting treatment) I was absolutely repulsed by. I now drink it everyday so something must have changed mentally.

- Better mood. On the whole i am a much happier person than i used to be (although i suppose this could be due to a few other things) ITHINK i am much more pleasant to be around now as i am less stressy and controlling.

- Less sunken eyes. I never noticed this actually but apparently i used to have very sunken and dark eyes, i am now told i look better.

- Enjoying life more, i feel more comfortable now and less stressed.

The Bad:

- Bigger legs.

- Bloated and full feeling all the time. (i know this will pass with time)

I apologise if that sounded like i was just bragging. Basically, my point is, that with recovery my life is getting better. I am better of now then i was before recovery ad there is more good to come. Therefore, i recommend trying to recover and not just accepting that you have an illness and trying to live with it, which for a while is what i intended to do. I am so glad i got help.

Sophie x

Pressure To Succeed Explaination

Anorexia is perhaps most common in families where the parents professional an middle class. It is also more common in those who go on to higher education. This could suggest a link between the illness and a will and the pressure to succeed and improve. Also, from the pressure to succeed from family, can come depression an other psychological problems (including anorexia) if the pressure is too much. 

This does make sense to me. I think i am in middle class, i am in higher education (college, and intend on going to university) and my mum has always put a hell of alot of pressure on me. The pressure i got was to do well in exams. I know another anorexic whos mother pressured them alot into being 'cool' and social. There does appear to be a link between the two in my eyes. 

It has ling been something my family and me have thought that i have had some depression which manifested itself as an eating disorder and if it hadnt been that, it would be something else like drug abuse. This would support that pressure leads to psychological problems including depression and anorexia.

Sophie x

Waiting for Food

In the book To Kill A Mocking Bird by Harper Lee. The children have to go into this old lady's house and read to her. She is called Ms Dubose. The children have to read to her until an alarm rings and ten they can leave. **Slight Spoiler** The bell gets later and later. They then find out that she had a morphine addiction and when the bell went she could have some **End Of Spoiler**


This reminds me of myself, but with food. In order to feel in control of my eating, even if i dont have control of what i am eating, i keep set times of when i can eat each thing on my meal plan. I will tell everyone that i hate food, and i do, but i hate it because i love it. I actually look forward to these times most times. I will stare at my watch until it gets to the exact number. Then i know that i can eat. However, usually i wont, i try to make myself wait as long as possible. I think it is only to show myself that i am still in control and i can still resist food. I know ho silly that sounds.


The times which i do eat, are often quite late. The other day i thought, im going to move everything after dinner back half an hour. But when i came to the new time to eat, i didnt, i let it tick on until the normal time. I thought that i just couldnt resist if i made it earlier and convinced myself that that was the unconscious reason i had decided to eat earlier.


... Normality seems so far away at the moment


Sophie x

Expectations

I going to hit you with some more psychology. I had an exam in it last week so im pretty clued up on it at the moment!

The reason i got thinking about this, is that for dinner tonight, i wasnt asked what i wanted, it just began to be prepared. I said to my mum that i didnt really want a baked potato and that it was unfair that i wasnt asked. Now, if a 'normal' person, or me before my disorder had said this, my mum would have probably just said oh sorry or something. But instead my dad shouts down the stairs somthing like 'stop rejecting and complaining about food, your weak, its your anorexia, stop being so weak and think about what your saying' blah blah blah.

Why this has to do with psychology is that one of the core studies i had to know was called Insane in Insane Places, by Rosenhan. Part of the study involved sane people being admitted into a mental hospital and trying to convince the staff that they were infact sane. The pseudo patients kept notes, a normal behaviour, except the doctors wrote in the records 'patient engages in writing behaviour' and if they arrived early for lunch, they had ' oral acquisitive syndrome'. Their normal behaviours were being seen in the light of what their diagnosis made people expect them to act like.

I think the same is happening to me. I cant ever just not really feel like something, infact i cant ever not like any food. Its always my anorexia that doesnt like the food apparently. I always thought people had food that just wernt to their tastes but seems like im not allowed that.

:(

Sophie x

Nutritional Information On Packets 2

The other day i saw my nutritionist. She said something which i found really odd for someone interested in health to say. She said that she would like it is all the nutritional information on packets was taken off.

Im pretty sure the reason its on there is so that people can be aware of what they eat and make better decisions. It seems strange that someone who is so interested in healthy eating would want them removed. But she is not alone, she said many other nutritionists agree. She said that it has made people far too worried about fats. I know that we need fats and having some fats is essential in our diets, but im fairly sure that for most people it should be kept an eye upon, if that fat percentage and grams was not on there, people might eat loads of it without knowing.

My mum agrees with my nutritionist, and although i would hate it if the fat and calories was not labelled on everything, i do see their point. I dont know if i would have ended up the way i am if i had not become so aware of what was in my food. If i didnt know that a certain food (i.e. pasta) had so many calories in it, i would not have made myself avoid it. However, for the majority of the population, i would say that it is important for them to know, for most people, eating too much saturated fats would be very dangerous for example. I dont think we can trust our natural instincts to eat what is healthy for us anymore, i think that instinct went a long time ago. So i would say we do need the labels.

Sophie x

Parents

Ughhh...

My parents are literally driving me CRAZY!

They keep on and on at me to eat, but i am following my meal plan. Do they not see that it is hard enough for me to do that? Only yesterday did i get an increase to my meal plan and theyre already saying have more. They keep saying "You can have stuff thats not on your meal plan", yes, i know i can but that would be extremely uncomfortable and i am eating constantly anyway. I really have to eat at least one thing every hour, sometimes more. Considering i would rather not eat, that is definately hard enough for me to be getting on with. They just dont seem to be able to stop pushing me.

They do this particuarly annoying thing where im in the next room and they will have a loud conversation which i can hear. They are basically talking to me but in the third person. It goes something like "Sophie should have some of them", "Theyd be really good for Sophie", "That would be an easy thing for Sophie to have just a little be extra", "Sophie really should be having that" etc. Really, it actually makes me so mad. I never confront them though, i usually just well up with tears, today i loudly walked up the stairs whille they were in mid 'conversation'. I think i am dealling with it quite well, im not shouting or rowing with them, which i think is good.

They really just dont understand i dont think. Which is so fustrating!

Sophie x

Individual Identity Explaination

It has been suggested that eating disorders can be related to family issues and relationships. This involves adolescent's 'struggle' to gain an individual identity and independence. In some families, the parents will enforce so much control that the children to not gain a sense of individuality, resulting in low-self esteem. Part of the family control may be that the parent cooks the meals and the child eats them. Therefore, a way to resist the control and find individuality and independence, may be not to eat.

This theory seems quite stretched. I think it seems like too smaller thing to have such a large impact (although i suppose it is often the small things). Perhaps vomiting is a more extreme form. If a meal is cooked by a parent and the child throws it back up, that could be seen as resisting control. 

I know that i was always made to sit at the table and eat my meal. I was an extremely fussy eater as a child but my dad would not let me leave the table without eating everything. So i guess in this way, control was enforced on me. But still, i dont think i would use this to rebel. It seems too cruel and an insignificant thing to rebel with. I dont know, i dont think this applies to me, but it is a plausible theory.

Sophie x

Nutritional Information On Packets

Something that has always annoyed, stressed an worried me to a certain extent, is the nutritional information on packets not being accurate. It has began to annoy me now more than it ever has done before, i dont really know why this has increased.

I think it is fair for me to doubt these statistics. The other day, my mum put 2 supposedly identical pizzas in the oven, but 1 had SO much more cheese on than the other, so the statistics could not be correct for both of them. I wonder if they go for the upper or lower estimate, probably the lower to make the statistics look more healthy.

I have found that the only way to deal with this added anxiety on food, is to be 'safe' and take a little bit off everything i eat, therefore, it can only be equal to or a little under the statistics it gives. However, i know this is hindering my recovery, it should be good if i eat a bit more than it says on the packet, i will get well quicker. But my mind is only in a rational state probably less than half the time. And when it comes to eating, it never is! I must try and stop doing this though, it i not normal and that is what i am aiming for - normality.

Sophie x

Psychodynamic Explainations

If you didnt know, Freud created the psychodynamic approach and it is very controversial. Freud was the fist person to suggest we have an unconscious mind which influences our behaviour and also that we have drives within us, constantly in conflict, determining how we behave. It is controversial because of how strange and weird some of his theories are, for instance, that children go through psycho-sexual stages of development. 


Repressed sexual impulses. Freud said that eating is a substitute for sexual expression and therefore, anorexia could be seen as a way to repress sexual urges. Psychologist Hilde Bruch suggested that anorexia is connected with psycho-sexual immaturity. 


A suggestion is that woman have fantasies about impregnation and confuse fatness with pregnancy. They unconsciously believe that eating will lead to pregnancy and so starve themselves. I would just like to point out that this makes very little sense to me! I thought unconsciously we all wanted to carry on our genes and continue the race, therefore we would want to be pregnant on an unconscious level. 


Another suggestion is that eating becomes linked to taking on an adult role, including an adult sexual role and so the women who cannot face this, will starve themselves to avoid it. So they can maintain childhood or regress to it. Bruch claims it has a mutual reward for both mothers and daughters. The mother may be over anxious about her daughter growing up, limiting her independence and keeping her child-like. For the daughter, her behaviour has enabled her to continue to be dependent on her mother. I have heard theories similar to these before, i didnt know that they were originated from the psychodynamic perspective for a long time though. I think it does make sense that a person may want to remain a child and not want to grow up, and it does seem like anorexia is a way to prevent this physically as it prevents puberty. However, i dont think this applies to me as i have always been desperate to grow up to fast! I also think that a mother could possibly want her daughter to remain 'her baby' and not grow up. However, my mother certainly want me to get out of this and i dont think she wants me to stay this way!


Sexual abuse and gender socialization. Psychotherapy studies indicate that eating disorders are associated with early experiences of sexual abuse. A large proportion of those studied had experienced this. However, i know i and many others have not been abused in this way, so this is not a necessary criteria.


Well i certainly have my doubts about these explanations, but maybe i am biased because i am inclined to reject Freud's theories just because i dont want to believe that humans are so weird.


Sophie x  

Super Models Body Shop Poster

Ok, so i know this poster is REALLY old, but i have never really properly understood what it meant and what message its trying to get across.

I suppose what their saying is dont aspire to be a supermodel (or perfect?) because there are so few and so many normal people. 

But why should we not aspire to be the best? I want to be a computer games programmer, i want to get the best job and be the highest up, should i not apply for this? Should i not try? I dont see whats wrong with trying to look good. I identified my biggest flaw (big legs)  and tried to change it. I see this as a good thing, i wanted to help myself. And i wanted to be perfect. But obviously i took it too far, way too far. I dont think the way to stop eating disorders (and other issues) is to say dont aim for perfection because you wont get there because there are too few people that do. I didnt think i would achieve perfection but i would get closer. Surely the more i looked like my (and to a large extent society's) idea of perfection the better.

Basically, to me this advert says, there are only 8 good looking people, you are not one of them, do not try to be. Just accept who you are even if your not happy with it. Go through life un happy in yourself because you can never be any different.

Hmmm... maybe i just have this all wrong. It is the Body Shop who i would expect their adverts to work and make sense but i just cant see a good message in it now, maybe i will later.

Sophie x

Review

So yesterday it was my review. I was really worried about it but it turned out fine.


I had put on weight and i was relieved, but i weigh quite alot now i think. I get confused though cause i work in stones and pounds and they do kg and weight for height. I think i get this weight for height thing a bit more now. Its like a proportion i think. But anyway, im now 75% . When i am 85% i get an ovary scan.. yay! Although i did drink alot of water before i went in, its was the only way i could keep my anxiety levels lower but i should have just rode them out i suppose, then i would have had a more accurate weighing. I do this before almost all weighings though so i suppose the increase is fairly accurate.


In the summer they are starting  group for people my age to talk to each other about things that are bothering us and teen issues etc. They want me to go and i want to go, i think it will be nice to talk about personal things to people who can understand a bit more than my friends can. Also hopefully i can make some more friends. They also want to give me therapy to increase confidence. This will be earlier than the summer she thought. At first i was hesitant about this, i wasnt sure that i needed it now, but she (my head worker) and my mum seemed to think it was an excellent idea. Ill just go with the flow on this one, maybe it would be cool to be more confident.


Sophie x

Priorities and Normality

I have my review today. Hell, im really nervous, i really dont want to go.

The thing which i have found at all my appointments is that I am scared to put on weight, but i am also scared of not putting on weight. These fears are amplified many times when its an actual review with the head worker. 

I really dont want to disappoint my family, i dont want to be taken out of college, i dont want to be an in patient, i want to be healthy, i want to have children, i want to drive a car, i want to go to university... the list goes on and all these things i need to put on weight for. But despite all these reasons, instead of feeling happy when i step on the scales and see an increase because i am closer to being able to do all these things, i feel terrified and weak. I feel like i let myself put on weight therefore i am weak. How can the need for this disorder match (or even overtake) my priorities for all these really important things?! 

So i fear putting on weight and not putting on weight. I could see it as a win win situation, if i put on weight, i am am closer to everything i listed, if i dont put on weight my anorexia wins and my anxiety can remain a little lowered. Except its not a win win situation in my mind, its a lose lose. Whatever the result i will be unhappy, not happy. I just want to be normal now, why cant i just be normal?!

I ate an extra borbon biscuit yesterday because my parent wanted me to, i didnt even like it but there was nothing else to eat and they really wanted me to have something extra. The guilt i felt afterwards was very powerful and i had to go to bed because i couldnt sit down and watch the film we were going to watch after. I think that when i can eat something extra without feeling guilty, will be the day i have recovered. Then i will be normal.

Sophie x

Changing Your Life

I found this video really quite useful. It talks about how to get over the obsicles that prevent you from changing your life. Basically, how to saty motivated to change. It goes through what the obsicles are and then some tools and methods to combat them. Most of it is fairly obvious but it is good to be reminded.

Obviously I, and many others have to switch what she says around from loosing weight to putting on weight! I havnt put this video on here to help me or other anorexics loose weight! So switch it around!

Just remember that you really can change your life. I am going to change mine, I have come along way and I will reach normality. I hope this video does help people to stay focused and achieve their goals.

Sophie x

Songs 4

Lady Gaga - Born This Way. While this song isnt directly about eating disorders, and there was probably no intention for it to apply, i believe it has relevence.

"There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are
She said, 'cause He made you perfect, babe
So hold your head up, girl and you you'll go far
Listen to me when I say

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way, born this way"

Basically, your beautiful the way you are. (I dont believe in God but..) God made you with your body and he "makes no mistakes". We should not try and alter our natural body shapes that we are born with. I weas born with a pear shape body but i changed it to be boyish, and now i am told i am ugly.

I wish we could all be more proud of who we are and who we were. I hated myself so i changes, but i should have loved myself and then i would have been more confident and not in the mess i am now.

I have noticed there are significantly more pro ana songs than pro recovery. Not good.

Sophie x

Responsibility

Yesterday, my parents and sister went to see my grandparents. I didnt go because i had too much revision to do for my A level exams next week. They let me stay home my myself and ii had complete responsibility over what i ate.

I did quite well i think. I ate way more than i would have let myself eat when home alone in the past.  

It feels good that i can be trusted with this. And it feels good to have some independence and responsibility over eating again.

However, i do wonder what motivated my family to allow this. I think they wanted a break from the responsibility. They thought 'we can have a break and let go just for one day' and they persuaded themselves that they could trust me because they wanted to. It does make me sad they im sure they enjoy family trips without me. They are so much less stressful for them. They went out to lunch and made and ate a cake, these would both be awkward and tense activities if i was there. While i am happy to give them some pleasure with my absence, i am upset that me not being there is better for them. Once i was told this.

Swings and roundabouts i suppose.

Sophie x

Alice In The Looking Glass Review

This book is in 2 parts. The first is written by Jo Kingsley and the second by her daughter Alice Kingsley.

I very much enjoyed (not quite sure if that is the most correct word) reading this book. I found it a compelling strory which felt very true and honest. It was interesting to read two accounts of the same story, one from the mother and one from the daughter who had anorexia.

Her story is a sad one at first, and seems fairly extreme with Alice suffering from OCD aswell as anorexia. The book is about their struggle through clinics, school, relationships, events and just lfe in general while the eating disorder had control and also while they gained more control over it. There are sad points in the book but also some encouraging aand happy moments. I fell that the book can help those with anorexia to gain a view on what recovery could mean to them.

The book details the journey of recovery and as the blurb says 'their experiences, anxieties and eventually some success" It aslo says on the back "will offer enlightenment to those who know someone suffering from anorexia". Even though i did enjoy reading the book, i would sooner recommend it to someone who knew someone with an eating disorder rather than someone with one. Due to having 2 accounts and points of view in the book, i feel it could give someone a fairly good understanding of some aspects of the illness. For those with an eating disorder, it is encouraging and shows that it is possible to find happiness.

Sophie x

Dr Phil Deadly Thin

I watched this video yesterday. There are more parts but i found it so hard to watch that i havnt seen the others.

Its just terrible, i cant believe the poor girl got that bad. To be honest i am stunned. And i cant really think of what to say about it. I suppose it speaks for itself.

The video also talks about obesity for the first part.

***WARNING THIS VIDEO IS VERY HARD AND UNCOMFORTABLE TO WATCH***

Sophie x

Parents

Hmm... I think my parents are starting to give up on me again. This past week a few nasty things were said that were totally unprovoked. 


On Wednesday, my dad, my sister and me were talking about pocket money. My dad was saying that we should have to work for money rather than just be given it. I jokily say that the joy of us for children is enough. My dad says something like "you give us no joy, just suffering with your anorexia". I was completely startled by this. I couldnt quite believe it was said seemingly out of no where.


Yesterday, my mum, my sister and me were talking about having sleepovers, i had already arranged one but my sister wanted one on the same night. My mum said it would be unfair because she would be kicked out from both TV rooms on her Saturday night off.  My sleepover was going to be after a night out so i said something about i wouldnt be an issue because we wouldnt be here until late. My mum said "Your always an issue with your anorexia".


These comments always stun me. I am never prepared for them. I dont think its said to aid my recovery, i think its for them. It helps them to tell me how miserable im making them. They still dont understand that im trying so hard and i did not chose to be this way.


Sophie x

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Fear Foods

For my nutritionist next week, i need to make a list of fear foods.

Im bit reluctant to do this because its probably so she can put them into my meal plan to challenge me. I suppose she will know whats best for my recovery but i really would rather not eat these foods. I would be happy to never eat them again, its not hindering my life in anyway really, everyone has foods they like and dont like. But i know they want to get me back to a healthy way of thinking about food. And i suppose they are the experts and they knowo how to do it. I dont like challenging myself with food but i guess i just have to grip it and rip it.

The foods i have so far are:
1. Non-ready meal pasta
2. Cheese from a block
3. Butter

I think there is more but i just cant think of them on the spot!

Pasta is a big thing for me. I hate it when it is not carefully portioned. I remember watching 'My Big Fat Diet Show' and they said on it that pasta was very high in calories and i immediately cut it out completely. When i was little, i used to have giant plates of it, which is probably why i just wont have it now.

What i mean by cheese from a block is the cheese which you have to cut bits off. I can handle ready sliced if i am required to, and a babybell or cheese string is part of my meal plan so i have to eat them everyday. I dont know why its just a no when its from a block.

Butter. Its just because of the stigma it has i guess.

I have gotten quite alot better with these foods. There was a time where under no circumstances would i eat a baby bell or any cheese, but now i can. I have also been forced to have pasta sometimes which was very uncomfortable, but i managed it. But as i said before, i would be happy never eating these foods again, i dont mind having to avoid them.

Sophie x

General Update 3

In a previous post, i wrote about how the cashier at M&S talked to me and questionned me about my weight - in a nice, caring way though. I saw her again today. I gave her a more substantial thing to put though the till. She seemed very happy about this and told me that i looked very well. I did not take offence, there was a time when hearing this would have really upset me. I actually was happy to hear it. I think i really do want to get better now :) yay!

There are still some crazy things i do. I wish i could write about them, but im terrified someone i know might see this blog and be able to connect it to me. But i know now im getting so much better. Im really happy at the moment, i really hope this feeling lasts!

The main reason im happy is probably because i have a boyfriend now, ive never really had one before. I think being happy is making me eat more, but im happy anyway so i dont mind as much.. if that makes sense. I asked him if i would be better bigger (a bit of a cruel question to ask!) and reluctantly he admitted i would be, so yet more motivation.

Im doing exams now, i cant wait for them to be over and i hope they go ok! I may not be able to update as often, but i like writting to this blog so much that i probably will find time some how!

Sophie x