Why Do I Look At Thinspo?

Before i began recovery, id actually never looked at any 'thinspiration' or any pro ana sites. But since starting recovery i have been looking on them. I look at them quite regularly too and i couldnt really work out why. I think it is some very vein reason about how i am thin enough to be in one of the pictures and be admired by people or something. This is all very embarrassing to write about!

On a youtube thinspo video, someone posted a comment which basically sums up why i watch it.

'i watch these to feel better about myself

I'm really skinny but i feel unattractive and awkward compared to the girls who have more meet on their bones... i especially don't like my super skinny arms.

However, seeing these? girls envied and looking so happy makes me appreciate myself more ;)'

I think that is exactly right. It puts into words what i was struggling to express. Its comforting to hear that others share the same, strange desire to look at thinspo. I have no chance of remaining this thin, so i wont stay like these girls and i know that, so why am it seems strange that i would want to see anorexia glamorised when i wont be in that category much longer.

Sophie x 

Inspirational Graphics

Treatment Plan

So, as i said in the last post, this is the treatment plan of the plan i am on. Comments in { }

Initial treatment phase (first 6 weeks) {this is very optimistic, i am not out of this phase am i have been on the plan for well over 6 weeks}

1. Weight management and meal plan
2. Parents Psycho-education group
3. Engagement of young person.

And at week 7, a family review will be done and a plan for further treatment established.

Phase 2 - Continues treatment options (from week 8) will be tailored to the individual needs of the young person and may include the following:

1. Multi-family group treatment
2. Therapeutic group program
3. Individual therapies.

{Even though me and all my family feel i need some of this treatment (i.e. mental help) they will not let me have any because they say i will 'not be able to cognite it' or something because i am not heavy enough, my mum has repeatedly asked them but they refuse}

Review Meetings (3 monthly)

Held every 3 months with the consultant psychiatrist, the family and other team members. This is so the family and young person can review and look back on their progress. Then determine if further physical assessments are needed e.g. ovarian ultrasounds, bone density etc. The review will also decide if any psychological treatments should be taken up.

Discharge Planning

{the leaflet says} Most people recover, but some need continued treatment, which may be hospital or transfer to an Adult Mental Health Clinic {no way, when im an adult im going to make my own decisions and get out of this treatment, i think i can look after myself now}. They work jointly with these services.

I hope thats clear enough.

Sophie x

Inspirational Graphics

Would-Have-Been Useful Leaflet

The time before last that i went to the clinic, they gave me an information leaflet. It was supposed to be given to me when i first started the treatment. I would have been very useful then! It talks about the team im working with, the different treatment phases, the assessment process, their philosophy etc. This would have been really helpful for me, especially the phases of treatment part because i was always so scared of what they were going to make me do, if i had had this i would have been much better prepared. Just before i began treatment, i looked up what it would include, but i couldnt find the information anywhere, maybe i was just looking in the wrong places, but in probably the next post i will detail the treatment plan of the plan i am on. 

Sophie x

Inspirational Graphics

General Update

Things arnt going too bad at the moment. I generally feel alot more positive.

The easter hilodays are over and im back at college. This means i am back to being able to control and restrict what i eat. Unfortunately this is what i have been doing. But this is only the second day back and tomorrow i am going to try really hard to be strong. Today i have managed to eat more for lunch than i did yesterday and hopefully i can do even better tomorrow. It is still less than i ate before the holidays though, i hope i can bring my self to eat even more than that beacuse that wasnt enough to put on wieght, so i have to.

Its kindof scary because i know i will put weight on this time. I have to. With the nourishment and that. Its going to be a very confusing and distressing day the day that i no longer fit into my tiny jeans. I hope i handle that ok. I think its probably quite a long way away, but im still worried. I havnt had to deal with putting on really any weight and the feelings that come with that yet, i hope its not too bad.

My dad hasnt been very good recently. I have my nose pierced and just started wearing a ring. He absolutely hates it and he said something like: 'it seems to be your aim to disappoint me, you really do disappoint me'. I hate i when he says stuff like that; it really cuts deep. I hope i can get better soon and then he can be proud of me.

Hmm... i said at the start of the post that i feel more positive, and then went on about all negative things :s i really do feel alot better though. I didnt manage to have the nourishment yesterday which is bad but i have already made my mind up that i will have it today. I feel ok about it, i know i just have to get better.

On another note, im liking putting these really cheesy inspirational graphics on my posts, todays i think is particually cheesy!

Sophie x

Inspirational Graphics

Strangers Type 2

In a previous post, i wrote about how strangers were nice, and seemed to care and feel the need to encourage. Strangers also react i the opposite way though, and little kids seem to be the least discrete about their disgust for the way i look.


The day before yesterday i as in the supermarket getting something out of the freezer, i heard a little girls voice say 'look how skinny that girl is' in a loud but whispered voice. I turn out of the freezer and begin to walk away, i look behind to see who said it and there are 2 girls still staring at me walk away, and they dont look away even now.


Ive had many instances where ive been out and noticed people staring or even sneering. It really does dent my confidence and self esteem. I suppose it is also a motivation. Its just that i find it so hurtful. I cant and never have been one of those people who dont care what others think.


Sophie x

Inspirational Graphics

Nourishment & Food Plan Strategy

I did something a bit crazy a few days ago. As you can see from the "My Stats" post, the last time i when to the clinic i had lost a little bit of weight. My dad can with me this time, and he was very disappointed, my mum was too when we told her. The strange thing is, i think i was too. I think i wanted to put weight on! Well, either that or i really didnt want to let my parents down which is probably the more viable option, but if the will not to let my parents down was stronger than the will to not put on weight then thats good!


The crazy thing i did was agree to drink half a can of nourishment drink a day. Its a kindof milky drink with loads of vitamins and protein added. Its because my mum was like, 'Sophie, i think you need to make a big change'. So i mentioned i could probably do that and then there was no going back! she bought some that same day. I do drink it, it feels healthy because its got all those vitamins and protein (which is more difficult for vegetarians who dont like eating cheese or nuts to get). I think that when you add something to your food plan, it should be healthy because even if you dont feel like putting on weight is healthy for you, if it is healthy in another way you may feel better and less guilty about eating it. Or thats what i find anyway. Its like when they asked me to have butter at breakfast on my toast (one part of my breakfast), i think butter is unhealthy (there is a stigma attached to butter, in my mind although some people see it as healthy) so i stopped having toast for breakfast i have biscuits instead.


I do think its strange that the eating plan i got given at the clinic has never worked, (well, worked a little bit but really not very much) but i bet after my choice to add this drink i will put on weight. It makes me think they dont know what theyre talking about. Last week they told me to replace a cereal bar in the morning with a pot of Muller rice pudding, i clarified the size and everything and my dad bought some. It is the same amount of calories as a cereal bar so whats the point? i get frigging loads of dairy any way! and all of the rice puddings had 'low fat' written on them! She also said that because i am vegetarian i get no protein... whattt? So i told her there were nuts, seeds, vegetarian meat alternatives, eggs, cheese etc. Oh well, im booked in to see a nutritionist next month so she should know what shes talking about!


Sophie x     

Inspirational Graphics

The "Last To Go" Symptoms

I found this article yestarday

http://www.nourishing-the-soul.com/2011/01/disordered-eating-signs/

I thought it was quite interesting, is contains a list of 35 symptoms that are the last to go in recovery. So if your overcoming alot of them, your close to the end i suppose!

I havnt actually beaten any of them yet but some of them i never did in the first place. Some of them i cant imagin ever not doing though. Like using food as a reward, only eating at certain times and eating the smae meals daily with out variation. The things like these i just cannot imagine living without doing. So i suppose when i do stop doing them, i know im better!

I might even print this list. I think it will be good to have some aims to improve well being not just putting on weight which is what everyone at the clinic just wants me to do.

Sophie x

Veins

Where I live, its really hot at the moment. I got out of the shower yeaterday and i think it was beacuse of the heat but all the veins in my arms were sticking out. It looked horrible and freaky. Its not the first time its happened either, its happened at a concert and a few times at college. Its so embarrassing and the only thing i can do about it is cover them up with a jacket which isnt ideal if its really hot. I have also noticed veins sticking out on my legs, i hate it.

Those are some pictures i took, theyre pretty rank, and thats when theyd gone down a bit.

Sophie x

My Stats

I thought it was about time a showed what i weigh etc. This is what they print out for me at the clinic (although you can see that they didnt print it the last 3 times).

I REALLY hated this system at first, now im a bit more used to it. I thought they were trying to trick me and keep me in the dark because they kept going on about this weight for hight thing that i didnt and still dont properly understand. It still annoys me beacuse i dont know how to set targets etc. and i cant tell how big i will be when i get to say 80. I dont know if all clinics use wright for height but i cant seem to find much information explaining it on the internet which is very fustrating!

Sophie x

What Have I Lost To My Eating Disorder

I saw this video the other day. There are quite a few others like it too.

I think its quite helpful to watch. Because most of what the people in the videos say they have lost is the same as what i have, it makes me angry at my eating disorder. Seeing a list of what bad things it has done and what it has taken away from me makes me motivated to end this disorder once an for all! I think i need to keep up constant motivation and not let it trail off. Seeing videos like this, i think, are a good tool in recovery. I might even make a video.

Sophie x



Barbie

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/galia-slayen/the-scary-reality-of-a-re_b_845239.html

 

The link goes to the full article. But the picture kindof speaks for itself, The girls in the picture is Galia Slayen, she created a doll made to the proportions of what a Barbie doll would look like if she was a full size person. It was made as part of the first National Eating Disorder Week. I think its mad!

Especially how by the age of 3 most girls own a Barbie. It had been said about Barbie dolls a million times before that they are extremely un realistic and show an unrepresentative female figure to young children. I dont blame Barbie doll for my anorexia, but i did own some like many young girls and on an unconscious level they may have contributed to insecurities about my figure.

I think is was a great idea to make the doll and it conveys a message perfectly in a visual way which anyone could understand. The full article is very interesting so i recommend reading it!

Sophie x

Contacting Others

The other day, i went on this website


http://www.anorexia-reflections.com/anorexia-blog.html

And i contacted a person on it by email. They said their daughter had anorexia and they wanted to talk to someone. I would usually be too shy to do this but her daughters story sounded so much like my own, i really wanted to contact her and help.

The lady replied and it made me feel really good that i was able to reach out to this person, they asked me for my story and telling someone else was really useful and i found it a huge release.

Basically, contacting this mother who had reached out, i found extremely rewarding and i felt good about myself. I definitely recommend contacting others with these problems, its so nice to discuss things with people going through a similar battle. I think we can help and support each other.

I am always up for talking to others so please dont be shy to email me. I love talking through and about problems as i think this is very important in solving them.

My email is me2d@live.co.uk as i have written in the about me section of this blog.

Sophie x 

Saying Goodbye

Recently I have been finding things really hard. I'm in the Easter holidays from college so basically my parents can know practically exactly what im eating and i have to eat everything on my meal plan. I have no decisions. 

However, today i have been feeling really positive. I have just done what i have been asked to do. And I dont feel that stressed. I think i feel proud of myself rather than ashamed or guilty for eating. Usually i always feel guilty, either guilty for eating or guilty for not eating enough. It Is a strange feeling that i havnt felt before. Maybe i am turning over a new leaf. I feel like i have said that a million times. After my 17th i told everyone that this is it, things are going to change. I made small changes that didnt amount to anything because i still didnt put on weight.

But now for the first time i actually think its time to say goodbye to this think. I think i properly want it to go away now. I hope this feeling lasts. I hope this goes away. I hope this is goodbye fore the last time.

Sophie x

Fragile

I'm so annoyed about how frigging emotional and fragile i am right now.


In a psychology revision class the other day, we were talking about addiction again, and someone asked the tutor if an eating disorder was an addiction. And i just started crying! i couldnt stop. Luckily they were the silent kind of sobs, the ones where tears just stream down your face. I also suddenly got really paranoid. Like the only reason the student had asked is because i had reminded her, and that everyone was looking at me. I dont know if anyone saw me crying. Its so ridiculous! I am so pathetic.


Ive been in tears again today too. Except these were tears for someone else. Someone who i care alot about had their dad die today.


R.I.P


Sophie x

Thinspo?

I was just browsing the internet when i come across aThinspo site. I spent a long time on it. 


It makes me SO angry.


I just dont get it, these girls look so pretty, but its NOT like that! I dont know whether its just because they're photo shopped or what but its NOTHING like the reality. 


How do they look so happy and content? As far as i know ( and i suppose i can only speak for myself) you are NOT happy when you have an eating disorder. I cannot remember the last time i was truely happy or could even make a good attempt to pretend to be. I would never be able to make a sexy pose for a photo and upload it to the internet because i think my body is disgusting and anorexia always makes you feel like you are worthless and revolting. Where do they get this confidence?! I think im probably just babbling. Im getting even more irritated because i just dont know how to get into words how angry i am about these pictures. They look so perfect but i dont look like that! Yet im just as skinny if not skinnier, how do they pull off the skinny look?! Why do i look so horrible yet they look so good?


2 of the effects of an eating disorder are loss of hair on the head and extra hair on the body. These girls have beautiful thick hair - mine is so thin and falls out all the time. I dont see any body hair on these girls either. 


They do not show the true reality and pain an eating disorder brings. I dont know how these pictures were taken. I just cant work it out.


Sorry for babbling.


Sophie x

Clinic

Today i met my new key worker. It was the first time i had been to the clinic in 6 WEEKS!

Its because my original key worker was just temporary while someone was on maternity leave, so they left so they could come back, but then the lady's son got ill and she had to take time off. I wasnt referred to anyone else. I think thats kindof bad to be honest. I dont think its very good service and it has been hard to keep the motivation levels up of everyone in the family. Something bad could of happened.  I could have lost loads of weight, i didnt, but i didnt put on any either and i should have in six weeks. I suppose its just easy for me to blame that, i should have tried harder.

My new key worker seems nice and very organised so that should help me.

She upped my meal plan a bit. Now i have to have a piece of cheese everyday and butter instead of marge :O I REALLY dont want to have butter :(

I feel really sick right now because ive eaten so much.

Sophie x

Letter From A Friend

Yesterday, my friend gave me a letter that she had written when she was drunk.
I cried when i read it! Ill show you what it said.

Sophie,

Firstly, i am sorry that i am writing this when i am drunk [something i cant read!], but i find it hard talking when sober :s But i am SO proud of you for even taking the first step to getting better, and really want to help you take the next but you are doing so well. I really admire your strength in trying and doing do hard to get better,and when you feel guilty for eating less than you should (sorry if that sounds bitchy) but i am glad because it shows that you want to get better (and you are string enough to do it) We all WANT to help you, and even if we may not show it, REALLY do! I know it must be hard with family and money troubles but you shouold remember that YOUR health and YOUR happiness should come first! I dont admire anorexic girls at all because of how "strong" you think they are, I admire others because of how TRUELY strong they are, i think skinny <> beautiful, beautiful s knowing you dont have to look like the 5 or 6 supermodels in the world and the strength to enjoy food and not worry what others think! I cannot even begin to imagin all of the hard ships you have faced, or of how hard it has been for you but i really hope it becomes easier! you are seriously i think just about the nicest person that i know and you deserve to know that! I do not doubt for a second that you can and will get better, but it will take strength and time, i know that deep down you know your body is suffering terribly (sorry if this sounds like a bummer) but you are kind and strong andshould rock your body! Of all the things that take importance in my life, my weight and size isnt even in my mind, but you are! We all love you Sophie, just need to learn to love yourself. Sorry i am writing this drunk and sorry it sounds so shit, it is hard to put into words what i want to say/write. You deserve a really good group of friends (and maybe a guy) to show you how great you are (sorry i have not done it in the past) I hope things get alot betterfor you - you definately deserve it! I hope it is less stressful with college and your parents and money and food, and that you learn to love food again (as much as i do! hehe) your such a great friend and i hope that i can be there for you as much as you are for everyone and that it doesnt take a few beers and tears to ask you how your doing again. I hope [name withheld] is not a bad influence wanting to be skinny - it make me so sad knowing you are compromisinf yourself for dangerously thinness, lots and lots of love, luck and strengh, from a drunk [name withheld] xxx sorry for being drunk xxx

Woah, that was alot longer than i thought. I think its really sweet. I wish my friends could talk to me more easily. Is only when their drunk that we ever talk about it! they just dont know what to say to me.  I just really want to reassure them that i AM trying to get better.


Sophie x

Bad Day

Ugh another bad day.
Its my mums birthday today. We took a trip to Winchester where we went to a pub first. This was the first issue. I really fancied a coke, but my dad refused to let me get diet and there is noway im having the sugar version. I would have just had nothing but i was forced to have a j2o. My sister got a diet coke. I know right now that i sound really pathetic. I suppose i am.


Next we went for a bit of a walk. Then we went to Weatherspoons (a chain of pubs) where i wasnt allowed the noodles i wanted because they were too low in calories and i had to have something higher, i was forced to have another calorie drink. That was distressi9ng enough for someone stupid like me but then i was forced to also have some of my dads chips. I accepted some without complaining because i knew i would upset everyone if i did, but then he tried to put on 1 with mayo on it. They know i dont have sauces on things. I politely said oh no i dont want one with sauce on. He gets really angry and says that im really frustrating. So i have to eat all this food i dont want and listen to my dad go on and on about how i am ruining mums birthday and how stupid i am and how emaciated i look.


My sister tells me to go to the toilets with her. I love her. She listened to me talk about suicide and being unhappy and stressed. We both cried for a bit. I feel so bad for her. I make her life so miserable.


We sat basically in silence, apart from really small talk the whole meal.


Part of me feels really bad for ruining my mums birthday. The other half feels like i didnt ruin it, my dad did.


Sorry about the rant.


Sophie x

Strangers

Its really hot out today, im wearing shorts and a T-shirt! (with tights though). But it was a mistake. On the way to college i noticed loads of people looking at me. I hate it. It happens quite alot, in the morning i think, im going to show that i dont care that im too skinny and i can look fine and normal, so i dress in something that shows how skinny i am. Then i always regret it.

I was in Marks and Spensers buying part of my lunch this morning. Instead of going to the chash desk i usually go to, i decided to go to a different one. The woman at the counter said "well thats not going to make you fat, you should get more" so i said that i had other stuff (which is true). It didnt end there though, she said "so how come your so thin? are you just naturallyskinny?" i didnt really know what to say so i just replied truthfully; i said "im actually in recovery at the moment" she then asked how old i was - 17. But then she told me she was ill when she was 17 and she said that "I shouldnt do what anyone tells me to do, do what you want to do in your own time" I dont know if this was good advice. But i suppose she must know, she diffinately wasnt still anorexic. I know that the only way to get better is go to a clinic where they force you or you have to want it yourself, so she was right, but i have to do what im told otherwise i just wouldnt do it.

Its not the first time someones talked to me in a shop. For example, a man once saw me looking at chocolate (i just wanted to look at the wrappers) and i put it down and he said "you ought to have that, put some weight on".

Strange how people feel they need to say something, its quite nice to think that strangers actually care, i think it says something quite good about the human race.

Sophie x

Mixed Messages

My family tell me everydayhow ill, skinny, weak and unhealthy I look. I believe them, but often people tell me the opposite which is really confusing.

Someone once asked me if I was a model, beacause i was slim. To me this is a complement and it made me feel happy. I would love to be a model.

A boy once said to me, "your like really really skinny" and i said "thats mean" and he said "no, its a complement, really its a complement"

There are more instances aswell.

When people are telling me different things, what am i supposed to believe? its even more confusing as sometimes i look on the mirror and see a scrawny, disgusting figure, other times i see someone ho looks like they could loose some weight. Infact, for a long time i was convinced the mirrors changed and all mirrors showed different images.

Its so confusing, and hard to know whats real and who to trust. I know i have to get better for health reasons anyway, and the only way i can stop being treated is to get better, regardless of whether i look good or not when i am better.

Sophie x

Getting Treatment

Firstly, I just re read what i wrote yesterday, its a bit embarrassing and depressing. I should probably delete it, but one of the reasons i started this blog was to "document the journey". I would not have written that if it was not my feelings at the time.


The way i got into treatment was through my college. A few weeks/months after we started there we were told of a counselling service through 'Relate' that they provided. One day, a friend said, Sophie, why dont you go there? And before i could change my mind i booked an appointment. The college then referred me to a CAMS clinic. They saw me and the treatment began. I was weighed and my height take. I had to go to my doctors for lots of tests too. And now i have to see them every week. 


Part of me wishes i had not gone for help, i had just waited a little bit longer, my mum would have intervened and that  would have been better. I think she has quite alot of quilt for not stepping in sooner. She says she was in denial. But im sure if i had just waited a little bit longer she would have taken me to the doctors and then she would feel so much better.


I know there is no way i could ever get better without help, and thats the same for so many people. If you think you have an eating disorder, either seek help yourself, or talk to someone you trust. There are loads of places you can find help on the internet, or go to your gp (or any other doctor at the surgery) or a drop in counceller at your college/school/work, or an independent drop in centre. Anything, just make sure you do something. 


Sophie x

What Look?

I wanted this blog to be empowering, and im sorry but i really have to get these feelings out.

My Dad, i know he loves me very much, hes trying to help me. Hes trying to shock me into changing my ways. But the things he says are so hurtful.

He talks about the opposite sex and how they find me un attractive and why dont i want them to find me attractive?

He said i should not be choosy and i should be thankful and accept anyone i can get.

He says that he wondered where my good looks went and that now he knows, it was me destroying myself with anorexia.

He says why do i want to have the "Auschwitz" look ? 

He says im "the mental of the family"

He says im a weak waif of a being.

He says why do i aspire to be the "clothes hangers" look of the run way.

Its so hard to hear these things. I'm sorry i wrote this down. I really cant live like this.

Sophie x 

Addiction

Yesterday, I started a new case study in my AS Psychology course. The case study is about people addicted to gambling. As part of the background information, we had to learn the definition of and addiction, and its components. I have heard people say that anorexia is an addiction before, but i never understood that until now.

Addiction: A behavioral pattern characterised by compulsion, loss of control and continued repetition of a behavior or activity in spite of adverse consequences.

It fits perfectly. It is a behavioral pattern. The compulsion is not to eat. I have completely lost control (dispite thinking i had ultimate control), and even though i may not be able to have children, my hair is falling out, my heart and bones may be weak and i look horrible i still cannot break it.

Components:

Salience: Food is the most important thing to me, and it is always on my mind. (e.g. watching cookery shows, reading recipies etc.)
Euphoria: When i do eat alot of food (i.e. going out for a meal and being forced too eat lots, maybe even a pudding). I do get a rush of energy. At the same time, if i decline food dispite wanting it, i also get a rush - a sense of achievement.
Tolerance: This component does not fit aswell, exept that i became able to resist food more and more.
Conflict: I think this one fits best. I often engage in conflicts with family members and cause social misery. Moreover, i am also in constant conflict with myself.
Withdrawl Symptons: When a ritual or rule is broken, i become very distressed and shake or cry or rock.
Relapse: This one is quite scary, we learned that even if people shake their addictive behavior, it is easy to fall back. And it is true, many anorexics do relapse.

This is what we learned about addiction, and it can all be applied to anorexia in my opinion.

Sophie x